~Fakku Girls Club v4~

I don't want your caring! I don't want anyone's caring anymore!! It's this place, everything, its ruined what was most important to me and I only have myself to blame.... I am an idiot... I should have known that nothing this good, what I had, would last... I don't wannna give up though!! I can't! But... idk....

I have to keep trying!! I need to change! Fucking hell I know I can change!!

[color=#ff69b4]I'm not going to stop caring for you!!!!! No one well!!!!! That not something were not willing to do!! If there one thing I know about you I know for sure you're not a idiot Looky. People mess up... people make mistakes... and we have to live with it and it sucks.

You say you don't want to give anything you have up then don't!

[size=5]If you want someone to hate, hate me.... I'm ok with you hating me.....

Where to even start...

I've been here, on Fakku, for years, almost seven despite what my account might say. In my years here, I've made many, many friends and I've lost I few, mostly due to them either leaving Fakku, or losing interest in the site/anime/manga or just disappearing all together, never to return to the site. No one, no one, is more important to me then one specific user whom I met several years ago, about only a year after joining. He was a great user and ofc like many others on the site, his true gender was always unknown. The years pasted by filled with friendly discussions and antics all of us in our group growing together and while there were down times as well there was a brief time were I was away from them all...
I eventually was stable enough to return and when he and I reunited, we came to realize we both had feelings for one another despite us both being men. This to me was a new realm for me, I'd never thought that I could love another man, but somehow he wasn't just another man, but someone special. We continued spending more and more time together and partaking in similar actions you're all familiar with seeing me do here, but we were at times, a lot more... intense, to say the least. There were times where I hurt him and perhaps times where I should have felt hurt based off what he explained to me... but I always kept loving him, regardless and yet...

I continued being my "typical" self here, for you all to see, I honestly don't know why I never said up front to you all "I have a boyfriend, I have someone I want to be with, I have someone who I would do all I must to be with, I have someone I want to marry even if it costs me all I have and I am thrown out by my parents who no doubt would be against it", but I just kept feeling like saying all that with out any proff would make little impact on an internet community that believes in the "pics or it didn't happen" school of thought.
Fact being, he and I have never met face to face, but we've voice chatted and video chatted(mostly me) and I have seen his picture, which he is just as I always imagined him. Absolutely adorable. We were going to be meeting for the first time, after years of a friendship that's had ups and down, but has lasted so long... as of right now, a mere 8 days away I will be driving 6hrs away to see him and bring him back to my home, that is if he'll get in the car with me..... which even now, he still thinks I am a stranger who intends to murder him...

He has finally returned to Fakku, after all this time, to see if there was a thread about Anime Expo, only to see all my reckless actions and idiotic displays of affection to you all here, my friends and family(mostly friends) and I am helpless before him, he's lost all trust and belief in anything I say no matter how much I beg, apologize, plead and insist that he, he has always been the one that matters the most to me, no matter what the forums here may say....

I do not ask for support, I ask for nothing. This is mearly something I need to expose to you all, for I have been lying to you all, there is someone, someone whom I can't live without, who I can't be without, who I spend all my days at work earning money towards a future with him and if he chooses to discard this pathetic excuse for a human being then I truly have no place in this world.... and no, I know ending it myself is not the way, but it makes no difference what happens to me if I must live in a world without him by my side....


To all of you who ever received affection from me and thought I loved you or mistook it for something more than friendly affection, I apologize, but I am just a despicable excuse for a human, I know this... but for some reason I couldn't help it.... Some tell me I am just too nice, but that's a lie, I am selfish, I crave friends but I care not whether I hurt them or not... but deep down I do care for you all, but there is always someone I'll care for the most.
While he may never see this post, this all needed to be said..

There is no TL;DR if you were looking for that. I am being serious, if you actually read all this, then you were someone who should have read it.

Im really sorry to hear that Looky. I wish there was something I could do to help you situation. You're pretty brave for posting what was really on your mind. I hope, in one way or another, everything works out for you in the end.

[color=#ff69b4]Not one time did I ever think you were a horrible person Looky. I'll never think of you that way, I'll never hate you, If at anything I hate myself for getting to close to you and thinking maybe just maybe there was something there, but that on me and not you, but I wanted to be with you knowing that nothing could really happen with us, I don't want you to go, a lot of us don't, but know that we care about you, your are friend and nothing you will ever say well change that. If you want to go then go we can't really stop you, but know that a lot of us well be losing a friend and I'll be losing one of my best friends and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose another person I care about...

I knew you had someone you care for in your life, you told me yourself about him, and I said if he ever came back I would stop everything and I did just that, but I'm not going to lie about it, it hart a lot when I had to, but I want you to be happy, I hope everything goes well for you and him, I hope you two work out. I support you and anything you want to do, I don't care if you don't want any support or not, I'm not going to stop caring or supporting you.

You say that people tell you that your just "too nice", and that "it's a lie", and that "your selfish", I think your just being you and you can't help it. You don't mean to hurt people, and I don't think you would ever go out of your way to do so. You also say that "deep down you do care for us", you know it's there and you know that we care about you and you feel the same way about us and that a good thing.

Now this maybe me just being a idiot, but I think you came back because you want to, and not because you can't get out of my routine. These are just my words, I don't care if you think I'm being a Idiot or not, but something made you come back and that gives me a little bit of hope that you'll stay.

Were always here and well be here for a long time. I don't care what you say, but If you need anything or just need to talk were here and you know that Looky.

And I just want to say I'm sorry to both Him and You. I was part of something that ended up hurting the both of you in the end and that's something I don't think I'll forgive myself for anytime soon...

DAMMIT why didn't I notice this. I feel so bad for not replying to this right away! omg dearest Looky! First of all let me tell you that even though we haven't known each other for long and I'm probably still someone new here for you but I read the entire thing and I want to support you even if you don't want me to! I will be rooting here thousand of kilometres away in my room hoping you will find happiness. Be it with him or someone else. I hope everything will be okay in the end and that someday you will write in here: "It happened and I'm now happy". I don't know the person or what you have been through but I'm sure everyone agrees when I say we believe that you care about us and most here would probably also know that you might have had someone closer to you than we are. I mean we are your friends and of course friends are close but no matter what if you love someone they will always be your no. 1 even if you don't want them to be and that is how it is for most so we understand.

I can't talk for everyone else, but I think most people here wouldn't judge you nor tell you to show pictures just to prove yourself. If the people here really claim to be your friend they should believe you when you say "Hey I have someone I love, who is a guy" they should be cool about it, support you and if not then I think it is them who is in "the wrong" and not you! They are not worth your time and not vice versa! You are allowed to love whoever you want and tell people without needing to share your entire love life with the world. Don't call yourself a despicable person, because you are not and you just proved that yourself in your text. You said but deep down I do care for you all that is not something a despicable person would say!

Also sorry to say this but if people have taken your affection and thought you loved them more than friends I don't think it is you being wrong. Some people in the world are just more cuddling by nature and might talk flirty in some people's ears but don't necessary mean to do it. If people here has taken your words as more than friendly affection / close friends then I think they should at least have considered that yes you are friends by heart but if you want to get into a serious relationship at some point the person translating the signals should at least have confirmed with you. And this is the only place I can see you doing something 'wrong' not despicable but just wrong if you told the person that "yes I am flirting with you to be in a serious relationship with you" and then later telling them you had someone more important! Also if you were fine with online dating them I think you should at least tell them beforehand. I have someone I like IRL so if you are okay with that and just want this to be something fun then I'm okay with it. If you did the last then I don't think you are the wrong here! Of course maybe the other part might get hurt but it was not something you meant to do! As long as you don't hurt someone on purpose you aren't despicable! WE ARE HUMANS! WE DO MAKE MISTAKES! That is what makes us who we are and that is the only way we can change for the better and improve! So don't think your mistakes is enough to make people hate you or makes you horrible!

So now I think I have said what is on my mind and I will seriously hope that the guy who has won your heart is as serious as you are. Since it is obviously something that takes up a lot of space in your life and which means the most to you. I hope when you meet that he will realise what a nice and caring person you are and that he will get into his thick skull that your love for him is real and you love him a lot and are not just making up things! Also if he got affected by the things which have happened in the forum then I think his love for you is real too. I think it will be easier to convince him when you meet him face to face too! I wish you a lot of good luck, I will be cheering and praying and know you will find happiness, because happiness come to those who care about others which we all know you do! Lastly Looky I hope no matter what happens after you meet him that you won't leave us forever. As you said yourself you had good friends who just suddenly disappeared or left and how sad it might have been at that time. I'm sure some people here see you as such a good friend and would be sad to see you leave and even if you end up leaving I hope you will at least say your goodbyes and maybe someday come back! Else take a break, clear things out and cry out. We will always welcome you back when you are ready again or even if you come back when you are at your worst we will still welcome you with open arms and comfort you! So Cheer up and good luck! We are all with you, we are your allies not your enemies ❤




dammit seems to be taking up a lot of letters.. Well I don't rly like the background thingie, I don't think it will work out with how I make my signatures.. *maybe* but I'm going with a spoiler, then people who don't want to look at all my trash don't need to lD

We will talk later...

-huggles-

I'm here for you.

hello!! *waves while on the wheelchair*

Hello~

cookie please!!! *hands out hand*

*gives two cookies*

yay!! *in exchange i give you 2 lollipops*

Yay i love your lollipops ^_^ *hugs*

e-eh? ahahaha good you like them! *nods nods*

[color=#ff69b4]Morning....

[color=#ff69b4]Er.... oops....

[color=#ff69b4]Hi me!

*bops Tsa with newspaper* No Quadposting! x:

[color=#ff69b4]Not like I was trying to do it....

*gives muffin*