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1
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
grimmwolf wrote...
go nuts and don't hold Back nothing!


If you insist.

First things first, it's standard practice to pick a tense and stay with it. You switch back and forth between present and past tense quite a lot. There are even multiple sentences that have verbs in both tenses.

The next big point I'd like to come to is dialogue. When you have a conversation, you must start a new paragraph whenever you jump to a line of dialogue from another person. For example:

"Ugh, but I don't wanna leave my bed!" Helena pouts. "your too old to pout, but not too old to be dressed by me!" the servant picks up Helena and wrestles her out of her sleep clothing and into her mini dress.


First Helena speaks, and then the servant says something. You have it in the same paragraph, but it should look more like this:

"Ugh, but I don't wanna leave my bed!" Helena pouts.

"your too old to pout, but not too old to be dressed by me!" the servant picks up Helena and wrestles her out of her sleep clothing and into her mini dress.

When posting things you've written, you're also going to want to put spaces between paragraphs like I just did above. It really adds to the readability.

Morning. All over the town square, people are going about their daily business. Shops sell various goods that people line up to buy, and children go out of their way to enjoy another day in the peaceful kingdom of Temariko


There are two issues I have with this section. First, "Morning." is too abrupt of a first line for my tastes. I'd point out something going on that would indicate that it's morning rather than simply state it in one word.

This brings me to the second issue. I would delete all of the stuff in that quote. Helena struggling to wake up is as a good a way of saying it's morning as any. While it's important to establish the setting, the above quote actually tells us nothing besides the name of the kingdom, which means nothing to the reader at this point. Furthermore, people going out shopping and children running around playing has nothing to do with Helena who appears to be the focus of the story thus far.

After she washes up, Helena skips towards the dining hall where her breakfast awaits.


Helena doesn't strike me as the kind of person to skip about the castle if a servant must hassle her to get up.

Helena says as she playfully throws a single grape at him.


Be weary of using adverbs. Although it's not the case here, they can sometimes be redundant, the classic example being "running quickly." You can see there that quickly does nothing. If a person is running, it's a given that they're moving fast.

Even when you avoid a pitfall like that, some people just don't like adverbs. The thing about people is, they have imagination, and they can fill in the blanks if they have enough clues. In your case, I'd say you could do without the adverb. I think given the scene, readers will be able to interpret that Helena isn't throwing the grape because she means harm to Meeko. However, I will stress that's up to you. I merely wish to bring your attention to it.

That's about it for the excerpt you posted. You mentioned in an earlier post that you're worried about your descriptions. I think you're doing alright in that department. They aren't amazing; there's plenty of room for improvement, but as is, they're serviceable. I don't think they'll trip anyone up. Don't worry about it. Some things just improve with experience. You will get better at describing things if you continue to write on a regular basis.
0
mibuchiha Fakku Elder
10 years ago
Shit writer here and my advice is only one: spacing!

No matter how good a piece is no one's reading something unreadable.

I'll leave the details to the many experts available here.
0
Angeal
10 years ago
who, would you say, you admire the most out of the frequenters (and not) of this section?

this is an openended question.
0
Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer
10 years ago
Me!

Xenon, maybe.
0
CO2
10 years ago
Angeal wrote...
who, would you say, you admire the most out of the frequenters (and not) of this section?

this is an openended question.


You didn't put the hyphen in open-ended, so not you.
0
Shikinokami
10 years ago
Angeal wrote...
who, would you say, you admire the most out of the frequenters (and not) of this section?

this is an openended question.


I just don't feel like sucking cock publicly atm, but the 2-3 guys I know here, know that I appreciate 'em greatly. No homo tho.
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
I haven't written anything in over a week. I'm kind of finding it hard to care, and I'm a little peeved at myself for not caring, so I guess that means I care. Whatever.

So. How's things?
0
Angeal
10 years ago
lets play a game, not sure if you have done this before but it goes like this. try and find different ways to say certain things. here are some examples, you can use these or you can think of your own.


He is not sad, he is... in despair
He is not happy, he is... joyous
he is not talkative, he is... garrulous
he is not rich, he is... regal
he is not energetic, he is... fucking amped
he is not stern, he is.... stoic
he is not, arrogant he is... with pride matching the boldest of lions
he is not good, he is... with honour oozing from his maw


it is no a blue eyed white dragon, it is a... paledrake of the azure eye

it is not a fiery creation, it is a... scorched automaton

not the sound of a waterfall but the... ravenous roar of a great leviathan.

she is not healing, she... carries a soothing light, enough to quell the raging tempest of a warriors soul.

p.s. im not a writer so i dont know if this is fun or useful but hey.
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
Angeal wrote...
p.s. im not a writer so i dont know if this is fun or useful but hey.


I could see it as a good exercise to add more words to someone's vocabulary.

This book isn't made form paper . . . it's made from wood processed from murdered trees.

His shirt isn't red . . . it's dyed crimson. With the blood of orphans.

This bathwater hasn't gone cold . . . it's gone frigid.

The base isn't secret . . . it's clandestine.
0
Angeal
10 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Angeal wrote...
p.s. im not a writer so i dont know if this is fun or useful but hey.


I could see it as a good exercise to add more words to someone's vocabulary.

This book isn't made form paper . . . it's made from wood processed from murdered trees.

His shirt isn't red . . . it's dyed crimson. With the blood of orphans.

This bathwater hasn't gone cold . . . it's gone frigid.

The base isn't secret . . . it's clandestine.


see, i had to google clandestine, has a kind of cult/religious feel to it doesnt it? i like it.

p.s. i accidentally reported that post, sorry.
0
grimmwolf
10 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
grimmwolf wrote...
go nuts and don't hold Back nothing!


If you insist.

First things first, it's standard practice to pick a tense and stay with it. You switch back and forth between present and past tense quite a lot. There are even multiple sentences that have verbs in both tenses.

The next big point I'd like to come to is dialogue. When you have a conversation, you must start a new paragraph whenever you jump to a line of dialogue from another person. For example:

"Ugh, but I don't wanna leave my bed!" Helena pouts. "your too old to pout, but not too old to be dressed by me!" the servant picks up Helena and wrestles her out of her sleep clothing and into her mini dress.


First Helena speaks, and then the servant says something. You have it in the same paragraph, but it should look more like this:

"Ugh, but I don't wanna leave my bed!" Helena pouts.

"your too old to pout, but not too old to be dressed by me!" the servant picks up Helena and wrestles her out of her sleep clothing and into her mini dress.

When posting things you've written, you're also going to want to put spaces between paragraphs like I just did above. It really adds to the readability.

Morning. All over the town square, people are going about their daily business. Shops sell various goods that people line up to buy, and children go out of their way to enjoy another day in the peaceful kingdom of Temariko


There are two issues I have with this section. First, "Morning." is too abrupt of a first line for my tastes. I'd point out something going on that would indicate that it's morning rather than simply state it in one word.

This brings me to the second issue. I would delete all of the stuff in that quote. Helena struggling to wake up is as a good a way of saying it's morning as any. While it's important to establish the setting, the above quote actually tells us nothing besides the name of the kingdom, which means nothing to the reader at this point. Furthermore, people going out shopping and children running around playing has nothing to do with Helena who appears to be the focus of the story thus far.

After she washes up, Helena skips towards the dining hall where her breakfast awaits.


Helena doesn't strike me as the kind of person to skip about the castle if a servant must hassle her to get up.

Helena says as she playfully throws a single grape at him.


Be weary of using adverbs. Although it's not the case here, they can sometimes be redundant, the classic example being "running quickly." You can see there that quickly does nothing. If a person is running, it's a given that they're moving fast.

Even when you avoid a pitfall like that, some people just don't like adverbs. The thing about people is, they have imagination, and they can fill in the blanks if they have enough clues. In your case, I'd say you could do without the adverb. I think given the scene, readers will be able to interpret that Helena isn't throwing the grape because she means harm to Meeko. However, I will stress that's up to you. I merely wish to bring your attention to it.

That's about it for the excerpt you posted. You mentioned in an earlier post that you're worried about your descriptions. I think you're doing alright in that department. They aren't amazing; there's plenty of room for improvement, but as is, they're serviceable. I don't think they'll trip anyone up. Don't worry about it. Some things just improve with experience. You will get better at describing things if you continue to write on a regular basis.


See this helps me alot, with your tutelage I'm confidant enough to do twice as good
Next time.
also, I just had to laugh at the comment about Helena skipping....
That was funneh |3
If you're still interested, I have other excerpts that could
Use fresh eyes. But other than that...thanks for the help
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
grimmwolf wrote...
See this helps me alot, with your tutelage I'm confidant enough to do twice as good
Next time.
also, I just had to laugh at the comment about Helena skipping....
That was funneh |3
If you're still interested, I have other excerpts that could
Use fresh eyes. But other than that...thanks for the help


Don't mention it. Any time.

By the way, if you have any spare time, feel free to follow the links in my sig, and check out some of the stuff I've written. I could always use another opinion.
0
grimmwolf
10 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
grimmwolf wrote...
See this helps me alot, with your tutelage I'm confidant enough to do twice as good
Next time.
also, I just had to laugh at the comment about Helena skipping....
That was funneh |3
If you're still interested, I have other excerpts that could
Use fresh eyes. But other than that...thanks for the help


Don't mention it. Any time.

By the way, if you have any spare time, feel free to follow the links in my sig, and check out some of the stuff I've written. I could always use another opinion.


Well it would appear I got some reading to do |3
Not that I'm complaining, I've always pondered that I
Should read more anyway
Also
He is not sad, he is... Glum
He is not happy, he is... Jolly
he is not talkative, he is... With the gift of gab
he is not rich, he is... Rollin' in dough
he is not energetic, he is... Hyper to the maximum
he is not, arrogant he is... Prideful
he is not good, he is... Virtuous
1
The Logophile
10 years ago
I just found this glorious letter by James Joyce, author of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses. So I thought I'd share:

James Joyce wrote...
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore's glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.

JIM
0
Xenon FAKKU Writer
10 years ago
The Logophile wrote...
Spoiler:
I just found this glorious letter by James Joyce, author of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses. So I thought I'd share:

James Joyce wrote...
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore's glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.

JIM


Good lord, what a way he has with woman and words...I did not picture him as an ass and fart man from his epics, but there you go; we all have our dirty little secrets. Source?

I am also reminding frequenters of this topic that the 2Roads contest is ending in 20 days. Click the picture in my signature to find the contest thread and much luck producing your work if you decide to enter.
0
Angeal
10 years ago
The Logophile wrote...
I just found this glorious letter by James Joyce, author of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses. So I thought I'd share:

James Joyce wrote...
My sweet little whorish Nora...etc

JIM


shit that was great, what a magnificent attire of speech that fellow possesses. lots of respect for him for having such courage in his fetishes. most women would envy that fuckbird.
0
The Logophile
10 years ago
Xenon wrote...
The Logophile wrote...
Spoiler:
I just found this glorious letter by James Joyce, author of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses. So I thought I'd share:

James Joyce wrote...
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore's glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.

JIM


Good lord, what a way he has with woman and words...I did not picture him as an ass and fart man from his epics, but there you go; we all have our dirty little secrets. Source?


I was on the recommended literature of 4chan's /lit/ and there was only the first paragraph of the letter, so I googled it afterwards and found one with the full thing... Let me see.

It was this website here: http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21965

I am also reminding frequenters of this topic that the 2Roads contest is ending in 20 days. Click the picture in my signature to find the contest thread and much luck producing your work if you decide to enter.


I'm working on my entry right now (after having not been working on it and instead reading and doing other things).
0
grimmwolf
10 years ago
I need to know how it ends for
Ryxor borx |3
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
grimmwolf wrote...
I need to know how it ends for
Ryxor borx |3


I'll be posting the last chapters for Knife in the Dark tomorrow if not tonight.
0
Shikinokami
10 years ago
The Logophile wrote...
I just found this glorious letter by James Joyce, author of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses. So I thought I'd share:

James Joyce wrote...
Spoiler:
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore's glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.

JIM


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