Love-Story Drama

Zandorf · 2011-09-09T05:00:45+00:00

First time trying something like this. Well, here goes. It's a Pick Your Own Adventure. Background: The leaves on the trees start to change colors as autumn approaches. Summer vacation is over, and classes are starting back up again. Aniki had just finished spending his entire summer moving from Italy to Japan. His parents, originally Japanese, moved to Italy for some business reasons, but they decided now that they should have their children enjoy their native culture of Japan. Aniki has a little sister, Miho, who is a freshman at the same school he goes to, Tsukumi High School. Aniki and Miho have ever only gotten along during their elementary school years, and have gradually grown apart, as their “differences” decided to show up. Even though their parents are gone most of the time, they still eat separate meals, use separate bathrooms, and even sleep on separate floors inside their two story house. Today, on the first day of school, they even left the house at separate times. Miho has class in 1-B and Aniki has class in 3-C. Beautiful beaches all around, the nice warm humid air coming off of the ocean, and the smell of salt in the air, this is what is considered bliss during the summer in Japan. That and having ten hot girls around you in skimpy swimsuits makes it paradise. Just the thought of one of the swim suits busting open made Aniki hard, and it showed. All the girls started giggling, and started playing around. The girls started rubbing all over his shoulders, his feet, legs, arms, temples, and even chest. Then, the one Aniki thought was the hottest out of the whole group, one with a thin one-piece on, decided to start playing with his erection. The one-piece showed the beauty of the girl’s cleavage, and showed all the way down to near her crotch area. With just the perfect shaped breasts, and cute little nipples showing through the fabric, was enough to make Aniki go nuts. He jumped on her, pulled away the part of the swimsuit covering her nipples and breasts and started going to town licking and sucking them. The girl starts moaning in pleasure as Aniki continues to play with her nipples, and starts to reach down towards her clitoris and starts playing with it. After a few seconds of doing this, Aniki goes down and starts licking her clitoris madly. Sticking his fingers deeply into the girls vagina, and fingering her g-spot, giving her immense pleasure, while also continuing to stimulate her clit. "I want you inside me now.", gasped the girl between fits of ecstasy. "Okay, here I go", says Aniki. The dream cuts to black and Aniki feels as if he is being pulled out of the abyss of his dreams by the crook of his neck. All he hears now is the beeping of his alarm clock telling him that it is now 6:30 in the morning. Aniki punches the alarm clock, silencing the specially made clock. As feeling starts to return to him, he realizes that the temperature is 18 centigrade. "The damn weatherman said it was going to be 24 C. With it being this cold, I wish I could have enjoyed that dream some more." Thinking of the dream, Aniki realizes he has a severe case of morning wood. "Well, there’s only one thing to do about this", as he pulls out a mag from under his mattress. Several minutes pass, and Aniki opens his door to head to the bathroom. He has his favorite, and only, towel hung over his shoulder, which his toothbrush in his mouth, and toothpaste in hand. Aniki remembers that his parents were home today before they were to leave for Germany late tonight for a month long business trip. Aniki trudges his way up the stairs to the bathroom, and decides to open the door. To his surprise, his sister, Miho, is standing there stark naked, in the process of taking her underwear off. They just stand there for a bit, both dumbfounded by the situation they’re in. Miho’s face starts to turn bright red, and her eyes start to swell, as if to cry. "S-Sorry Miho, I didn’t kno-" he gets cut-off as his sister threw a towel at his face. "YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOCK FIRST, YOU PERVERT! GET OUT!" Miho screams as she throws whatever is at hand at him. He quickly blocks all the missiles by shutting the door on his little sister. He slides down the door, taking a sitting position. "I did not expect that to happen", Aniki says, both to the situation, and getting a boner from seeing his sister naked. That has never happened before. What do you do? A) Go back into the bathroom and share the bath with your sister. B) Go back to your room and get ready for school without taking a morning shower. C) Wait in the hallway for your sister to get done in the shower.

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Pure_awesomeness

12 years ago

Is this dead? :(

Zandorf

12 years ago

Pure_awesomeness wrote...

Is this dead? :(

No. As I've told you in my last post here, I'm on a hiatus until school gets done in a couple more weeks.

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Extremely belated thoughts ho!

So: I believe Aniki is "brother" or something similar (familial term of endearment perhaps). Either way I'm mostly sure it isn't a full name. If it is then my foot shall be delicious.

So, this only pertains to the first section but I see you use the approach I see often here, and that is telling without showing. I do this myself more often than I should but the problem I have is that when you're telling you just kind of ram it in the text as an afterthought--ruining the scene you're constructing. The most glaring offense in this case is when describing Aniki in his morning routine--towel, toothbrush, toothpaste--and then suddenly saying that he remembered that his parents were home before leaving for an international business trip.

I think the key to elevating your writing style is integrating more into the narrative in a more natural form. With this being an anime-heavy site I've found many struggle with this because their writing style mimics anime to a degree. While I have no implicit problem with it the end result I often notice is that there are so many strategies for writing that work better in prose than in screenplay--and sticking to the anime screenplay style really denies so much.

Overall I'll keep reading but I have no huge problem with the content.

Zandorf

12 years ago

Jericho Antares wrote...

I thank you for your comments, and they were what I had came to realize as I was writing the story as time went on. As an end result, it kinda let me feel like there was no point in continuing this particular tale. I mean, I could continue writing the conclusion if people want me to, but I feel like it would be supremely sub-par.

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