[Winter Contest Entry 2013] An Analysis

An Analysis

(The) Cold.

It seemed like the contest organisers had metaphorically yelled that four letter word at me. I was as agitated as I would be when one uses the other four letter word which is suggestive of suggestive behaviour that I would suggest one not to suggest in front of me.

This was the main reason why:

While coldness as a sensation is easily grasped from the very young to the very senile, the English language insists on giving it so many connotations that Xenon, a very noble gas, and the late US President Grover Cleveland decided that they would have fun seeing self-proclaimed writers like myself struggling to interpret what it means.

So, in retaliation, I decided that I am going to bore them and you, the reader, by going through the uses of that four letter word by analysing a dictionary's entry of it.

(Here is the link if for those who derive pleasure from reading dictionaries:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cold?show=0&t=1386860715)

A few minutes into digesting the definitions of the word 'cold' which involves a reluctance to take the definitions at face value and a refusal to appreciate the ambiguous nature of languages in general, I have realised a few things:

1. The late Margaret Thatcher and I may not be human.

2. I am stupid for thinking that '1' is in any way plausible and even more stupid for not realizing that the authors of the dictionary are slimy fraudsters who resort to weasel words.

3. Dictionary definitions can be somehow be sexually arousing.

4. Dictionaries can predict the future.

For those of you who managed to read till this point, you may not be curious as to why I came to these conclusions. So, I will explain myself by going into detail as much as possible into the dictionary definitions of 'cold' so as to annoy you.


Dictionary definitions of 'cold':

1 A temperature that is uncomfortably low for humans.

Those people who had to suffer what I had written about the summer, which was described as a meandering and whiny weblog entry by someone who had the misfortune to go through it, would know that I come from warm climes.

Any temperature below 25 degrees Centigrade or 80 degrees in very-confusing-soon-to-be-obsolete-Fahrenheit would be uncomfortably low for me. Fair enough it seemed to me, to assume that 25 degrees Centigrade is cold since it is an uncomfortable temperature and I am supposedly human.

Then I was reminded that some woman from the ironically named 'temperate regions' called Margaret Thatcher found that temperature to be sweltering hot. Putting aside the fact that I have used the name of some woman as a feeble attempt to draw attention, the thought occurred to me that either she or I, or more likely both of us may not be human. Further reflections of the stories I hear about her and my great contributions to this site further reinforced that thought.

Yet, just as I was entertaining the possibility that I would become a female Prime Minister, get backstabbed, face all of the problems that come with old age, have people celebrate both my life and death and spend my afterlife gawping at the reception of some black man's funeral, my eyes turned to this line of the dictionary entry...


2 Having a relatively low temperature or one lower than normal or expected

Anyone who is acquainted with the type of discourse that goes on the Internet would very well know how pointless and frustrating it is to read capital (or block) letters in big and coloured fonts. This is why I am going to do it anyway--



Some part of me that genuinely believed in the infallibility of dictionaries in elucidating this great language of Shakespeare died. It was rather traumatic and I would have spent the remainder of my days in depression if not for the next dictionary entry (or entries).

3a having lost freshness or vividness

b far off the mark

c marked by poor or unlucky performance

d not prepared or suitably warmed up

My friends, some of you would express utter disbelief if I told you that I am young, impressionable and very, very interested in the birds and the bees. I confess that I have just emerged from my juvenile years and I suffer from this state of mind known colloquially as 'thinking dirty'. As I scanned through that entry, I put in utmost effort to 'think dirty'.

It was then I came up with quite an erotic story. While some may deem it an outrage of modesty to put it into writing for all to see, I thought it was appropriate considering that I am writing this for a pornographic website:

The Beginning of Some Erotic Story

The couple had been married for half a century sharing many pleasures and braving many troubles. In this day and age of quick tempers and even quicker divorce proceedings, how did that couple stay together for so long? Perhaps a close observation of that couple could provide us with some answers.

Carnal desires inhabit each and everyone of us, even newborn infants, so sayeth the crypto-paedophile and psychopath Sigmund Freud. The couple exploited these desires as much as possible in order to sustain this very long marriage which could have rendered anyone else insane.

They dragged their ancient bodies into their nest of love, more commonly known as a bed. Despite their bodies having lost their freshness and vividness so to speak, they decided to engage in that intimate moment which ought to be shared between happy, married couples.

To the onlooker, their romp would be far off the mark so to speak. It would be marked by poor or unlucky performance so to speak, due to the loss of their rigour of youth over the years. Had they been doing it with someone else, he or she or not-quite-he-or-she or it would lament that they were not not prepared or suitably warmed up so to speak.

They were nonetheless happy, even though they risk sending themselves to the gates of Hades by doing it at such an advanced age. Yet, more importantly, I am not happy. I have to suppress the urge not to throw up my dinner and I want to make the reader suffer that mental image of two senile citizens having a go at each other for the rest of his or her life.

The End of Some Erotic Story

I realised that the story above might be a grim picture of my future. It was then I was set into deep thought about what is going to happen to me in the future. (One day into the future to be precise) This is when I discovered that dictionaries can really predict the future upon reading the following entry--


4 A lack of the warmth of normal human emotion, friendliness, or compassion

I closed my eyes for a few seconds to visualise the response I would receive once I allow this piece to see the light of day. Perhaps this is when I will truly realise what it means to suffer a lack of warmth of normal human emotion, friendliness or compassion. I would soon know the true meaning of the word 'cold'.


PS: At around 1200 words, this entry is way below the limits imposed by our beloved contest organisers.

you know, once again you've succeeded in making me laugh so hard, especially at the references to the figures and such =)

interesting satire. the ending was really unexpected, it left me off with that profound feel. it's nicely written, great job.

It is not really satirical. My essays on the over romanticisation of summer and marriage are satire, making fun of both notions. Here I did not make fun of the fact that people associate the cold with doom and gloom.

It is more about a disturbed man and the strange collection of thoughts that are running through his head as he does something as mundane as flipping through a dictionary.

oh that. still it made me lol tho =)

For the record, I'm not a big fan of essays, regardless of how well written they are.

That being said, you made a good call by spicing this one up with your own brand of humour. It made it far more enjoyable.

The verbosity you employed also reminded me, to some extent, of V, the protagonist of V for Vendetta. I don't know if that was your intention or not, but I think it works in your favour.

Not to mention that writing an analysis of the word Cold instead of writing a story revolving around it is definitely an interesting approach.

Thank you for those generous remarks.

It was laziness rather than creativity centring my entry on dictionary definitions. Choosing a quaint way of narration rather than a form of writing that is more contemporary is more in line with my writing style, my obsession with the past and my reluctance to conform with people of my own age.

I think it is similar to what you have done for Blood and Absinthe where the words the narrator uses set the tone of the piece of writing.

I don't think it's so smart or a particularly noteworthy tactic. A lot of things come down to relativity.

That aside, out of all of the pieces by you that I've read to date, this is my favorite by far. I think you absolutely nailed the humor in this.



Whatever works!

I know that feel.


Nobody was colder than her


My jimmies remain unrustled.


That feel... At some point we accept our wrinkled future.

I liked the essay and it made me laugh at those parts I quoted. It felt really refreshing, good luck!

PS: I couldn't write this yesterday after reading because I was in a hurry.

You may be aware that the writer was being stupid for playing down the dictionary entry for mentioning the word 'relative'. What the writer of that essay failed to understand is that in order for languages to work, they must be ambiguous. This way more can be communicated. If I really shared the thoughts of the writer of that essay then I would feel sorry for myself.

Thank you for the remarks for my entry. I am looking forward to yours.

Associate: Lady T is anything but cold really. Agree with her politics or not, she is a very interesting person.

Witty and dry, I can understand your popularity now that I've actually read your work. Perhaps some time you and I could work together on a piece, you bring quite a lot to the table, and I would like to think that working with you would, at the very least, be enjoyable. People like you are almost exactly what I'd say the English language was meant for, humorous interpretation based on logic only possible through the many gaps within the language itself. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, it's a welcome change of pace from the serious tones I'm accustomed to reading.

Thank you for compliment. I look forward to enjoying myself with you on your roleplay.

I enjoyed this a lot, unique entry and it does feel normal and what goes through one's mind.

For those who desire a reading of this wonderful piece of work, here is a recording of the entry delivered in an ear-shattering and more than annoying voice!

A Reading of The Analysis

This story gets mixed reviews in my eyes, although mostly positive.

Another key in writing and reading, at least to me, is surprise. I have certain expectations when I open a story and begin reading it. None of which held together for very long while reading your entry, which is at least to me an enormous plus.

But while I applaud your excellent use of a sort of shock and awe at a seemingly dull topic, you almost lost me right from the start.

"So, in retaliation, I decided that I am going to bore them and you, the reader, by going through the uses of that four letter word by analysing a dictionary's entry of it."

When trying to egg on a reader you can do it by invoking both negative and positive emotions which in turn will make the reader for better or worse want to read on and find out what the hell is going on. But when you say "I am going to bore you" I nearly lost my will to read on. Granted this could simply be a flaw with my own lack of diversity when it comes to reading, but it is what it is.

Only reason I read on is because I enjoyed your previous work and knew the chances of being dissapointed was low so I read on, and I am glad I did.

Your break down of the word and its meaning was a interesting read and if anyone else read the quoted line and for some reason decided to skip this story I would recommend you give it a proper go!

I don't find it particularly funny. But anyway...

No comments on the grammar, I couldn't notice any mistakes.

Language was okay, except the erotic story part. Too many 'so to speak' seemingly without good reason.

As for what is this about, I guess it's just you taking a dictionary entry and then elaborating your thoughts on them... and yes, I don't find 'relatively' to be any kind of special words. Most of the time, in arguments especially, I found it to be a hint of laziness/stupidity. Not to mention that in your entry, you used words that I think is much grander than 'relatively' could ever be.

And again, as usual with your works, I found it to be whiny. And a lot of the jump in reasoning seem absurd to me. Like how the association with Margaret Thatcher is suddenly made.

Ah yes, I was wondering that too lol.

Thank you for the remarks. They are very refreshing and this means I can get to argue with you two.

_________________________________________

The first explanation of the dictionary definition cannot be take place without reference to Thatcher who did indeed find 25 degrees Centigrade to be unbearable.

_________________________________________

'I was as agitated as I would be when one uses the other four letter word which is suggestive of suggestive behaviour that I would suggest one not to suggest in front of me. '

'...so to speak. .... so to speak'

These are repetitions that can pretty much be found in the contest entries that I have submitted.

_________________________________________



The writer was being ironic and self-depreciating and insulting all at once. I am sure you did not take every single word in this entry literally! In such a context, when people use words like these, they mean the exact opposite.

_________________________________________

I don't agree with you that the reasoning of the dictionary entries was lazy. It was absurd yes, but I am convinced that it takes some effort to arrive at ludicrous conclusions like the writer not being human.

What I do agree about the laziness of this entry is how it is being conceived. The organisers say write a story about the cold, so give them the bird and analyse a dictionary entry of the word 'cold'!
_________________________________________

You must have a certain sense of humour to appreciate this. This is why I said in the Lounge that my style of writing is not as welcomed as that of the other writers on this site. The problems Chacal, you, Livided and others found with that entry, like the over-verbosity, the repetition, the nonsensical reasoning and the references that came out of nowhere are precisely what the others found funny.

Here is the quote from the lounge.

Crazed ramblings, obscure references, strange writing techniques like convoluted sentences and bizarre repetitions as well as sarcastic quips do not go well with a lot of people judging from the response I get after getting a few persons to read whatever I have written.

Aye I understand, but it is still a dangerous tactic to employ is my pointz. =P

I am doomed to write like that forever. Ask me to write a story about midgets throwing rings into volcanoes and I will blanch. That said when will you be submitting an entry so that I can whine and moan about it?

Not sure, I will probably try and leave it just before closing time and then flee from the evul comments. xD

I feel somehow more confident about the plot idea for this one then my last which makes me very worried lol.

For now I just wanna try and catch up on reading everyone else's work and comment and participate in the funz. =P