[Winter Contest Entry 2013] An Analysis

An Analysis

(The) Cold.

It seemed like the contest organisers had metaphorically yelled that four letter word at me. I was as agitated as I would be when one uses the other four letter word which is suggestive of suggestive(Redundant, use another word for the first †˜suggestive.’) behaviour that I would suggest one not to suggest(Doesn’t logically fit here, consider †˜speak’ or †˜use.’ Something like that.) in front of me.

This was the main reason why:

While coldness as a sensation is easily grasped from the very young to the very senile, the English language insists on giving it so many connotations that Xenon, a very noble gas, and the late US President Grover Cleveland decided that they would have fun seeing self-proclaimed writers like myself struggling to interpret what it means. (One sentence. Not an error, but thought I’d point that out.)

So, in retaliation, I decided that I am going to bore them and you, the reader, by going through the uses of that four letter word by analysing a dictionary's entry of it.

(Here is the link if for those who derive pleasure from reading dictionaries:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cold?show=0&t=1386860715)

A few minutes into digesting the definitions of the word 'cold' which involves a reluctance to take the definitions at face value and a refusal to appreciate the ambiguous nature of languages in general, I have realised a few things:

1. The late Margaret Thatcher and I may not be human.

2. I am stupid for thinking that '1' is in any way plausible and even more stupid for not realizsing(If you’re going to use the Queen’s English, you should stay consistent.) that the authors of the dictionary are slimy fraudsters who resort to weasel words.

3. Dictionary definitions can be somehow be sexually arousing.

4. Dictionaries can predict the future.

For those of you who managed to read till this point, you may not be curious as to why I came to these conclusions. So, I will explain myself by going into detail as much as possible into the dictionary definitions of 'cold' so as to annoy you.


Dictionary definitions of 'cold':

1 A temperature that is uncomfortably low for humans.

Those people who had to suffer what I had written about the summer, which was described as a meandering and whiny weblog entry by someone who had the misfortune to go through it, would know that I come from warm climes.

Any temperature below 25 degrees Centigrade or 80 degrees in very-confusing-soon-to-be-obsolete-Fahrenheit would be uncomfortably low for me. Fair enough it seemed to me, to assume that 25 degrees Centigrade is cold since it is an uncomfortable temperature and I am supposedly human.

Then(I wouldn’t begin a paragraph with †˜then.’) I was reminded that some woman from the ironically named 'temperate regions' called Margaret Thatcher found that temperature to be sweltering hot. Putting aside the fact that I have used the name of some woman as a feeble attempt to draw attention, the thought occurred to me that either she or I, or more likely both of us may not be human. Further reflections of the stories I hear about her and my great contributions to this site further reinforced that thought.

Yet, just as I was entertaining the possibility that I would become a female Prime Minister, get backstabbed, face all of the problems that come with old age, have people celebrate both my life and death and spend my afterlife gawping at the reception of some black man's funeral, my eyes turned to this line of the dictionary entry...


2 Having a relatively low temperature or one lower than normal or expected

Anyone who is acquainted with the type of discourse that goes on the Internet would very well know how pointless and frustrating it is to read capital (or block) letters in big and coloured fonts. This is why I am going to do it anyway--



Some part of me that genuinely believed in the infallibility of dictionaries in elucidating this great language of Shakespeare died. It was rather traumatic and I would have spent the remainder of my days in depression if not for the next dictionary entry (or entries).

3a having lost freshness or vividness

b far off the mark

c marked by poor or unlucky performance

d not prepared or suitably warmed up

My friends, some of you would express utter disbelief if I told you that I am young, impressionable and very, very interested in the birds and the bees. I confess that I have just emerged from my juvenile years and I suffer from this state of mind known colloquially as 'thinking dirty'. As I scanned through that entry, I put in utmost effort to 'think dirty'.

It was then I came up with quite an erotic story. While some may deem it an outrage of modesty to put it into writing for all to see, I thought it was appropriate considering that I am writing this for a pornographic website:

The Beginning of Some Erotic Story

The couple had been married for half a century sharing many pleasures and braving many troubles. In this day and age of quick tempers and even quicker divorce proceedings, how did that couple stay together for so long? Perhaps a close observation of that couple could provide us with some answers.

Carnal desires inhabit each and every(space)one of us, even newborn infants, so sayeth the crypto-paedophile and psychopath Sigmund Freud. The couple exploited these desires as much as possible in order to sustain this very long marriage which could have rendered anyone else insane.

They dragged their ancient bodies into their nest of love, more commonly known as a bed. Despite their bodies having lost their freshness and vividness so to speak, they decided to engage in that intimate moment which ought to be shared between happy, married couples.

To the onlooker, their romp would be far off the mark so to speak. It would be marked by poor or unlucky performance so to speak(Twice?), due to the loss of their rigour of youth over the years. Had they been doing it with someone else, he or she or not-quite-he-or-she or it would lament that they were not(Duplicate.) not prepared or suitably warmed up so to speak.(Thrice?)

They were nonetheless happy, even though they risk sending themselves to the gates of Hades by doing it at such an advanced age. Yet, more importantly, I am not happy. I have to suppress the urge not to throw up my dinner and I want to make the reader suffer that mental image of two senile citizens having a go at each other for the rest of his or her life.

The End of Some Erotic Story

I realised that the story above might be a grim picture of my future. It was then I was set into deep thought about what is going to happen to me in the future.(Redundant, you’re better off just stating the first part plainly.) (One day into the future to be precise) This is when I discovered that dictionaries can really predict the future upon reading the following entry--


4 A lack of the warmth of normal human emotion, friendliness, or compassion

I closed my eyes for a few seconds to visualise the response I would receive once I allow this piece to see the light of day. Perhaps this is when I will truly realise what it means to suffer a lack of warmth offrom normal human emotion, friendliness or compassion. I would soon know the true meaning of the word 'cold'.