GracefulDiscension wrote...
I'm going to use the names Alex and Joey seeing how this is the internet lol I'll tell you which one is me at the end =]. Ok here goes nothing.
Alex was bleeding from the mouth, he could taste the iron in his blood. The guy was continually punching him in the face while he's on the ground, each blow slowly eroding his conciousness. He could no longer feel pain, and brute savagery has taken over him. His eyes full of murder and his enemy in sight. A punch to the stomach of his former best friend, the enemy is surprised all the oppurtunity he needed. He quickly gets up and uppercuts the enemy in the face. Blood smears on his hands, but he does not stop. He lungs forward using all of his momentum to bring this foe down. Sitting on top of this worthy foe he starts to pound at his at this boys face. Insticnt still in control of him he pounds at him, even when it is clear he has won. Blood fully encased now on his hands, tears well up in his eyes, he has come to his senses almost killing Joey, the enemy, the foe. He falls over to his side, tears fully flowing down his bloodied face.
The End
Oh yeah I'm Joey =]. Yeah that fight is the reason I'm a pacifist today.
He could no longer feel pain, and brute savagery has taken over him. His eyes full of murderous intent, and the enemy in sight. A blow was delivered to the stomach of his former best friend, thus giving him the opportunity he needed.
Sitting on top of this worthy foe he starts to pound his fists at this boy's face.
Another issue you tend to have is something that many tend to do, including myself. That is, you misplace your commas or add too many commas. Which in turn create fragments for the long thought you are trying to convey. One good example is this excerpt:
[Blood fully encased now on his hands, tears well up in his eyes. He has finally come to his senses after almost killing Joey, the enemy. (Notice how both the word enemy and foe are the same thing. In such cases this is not needed as you already gave the reader a descriptive of how much hatred Alex had.)
You are very good with descriptive words. You may have forgotten at times to be a bit more descriptive, however the thought you are trying to convey to your readers is sent out. I encourage you to continue writing.
[Edit] Before anyone points I noticed errors in my own suggestions so went and fixed them. Having a headache while reading is really not a good thing to do.