Age of Anarchy: Dawn in Blood
3
It's been a long time, but here's the next part of Age of Anarchy. According to the files on my computer, I first started writing this part back in July of 2014. I've actually had it done for the most part for a while now, but I wasn't too happy with how it turned out, so I just let it sit until recently when I remembered that this is a forum where you post things to get feedback on them. I know, it's crazy, right? Since when has there ever been a forum where you can post things for feedback?
Anyway, the first post of this topic is still broken for me, and I don't feel like making a new topic, so despite the fact that the subtitle of the topic is still A Knife in the Dark, this new part is actually titled Dawn in Blood.
First post is fixed. I only had to literally delete the whole thing. I'll put the other story arcs on google docs hopefully sometime soon, when I get the courage to shift through nearly 500 pages of stuff. Okay. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to have that done in the near the future.
Dawn In Blood takes place roughly around the same time as the previous part and follows Vanen Travis who returns to his hometown to take over as lord. He expects to have an easy time with it, however he soon realizes that isn't the case as he butts heads with his sister who had been ruling in his absence, and as a case of human trafficking comes up, it isn't long before he finds himself longing to get back out there and fight.
Note: If you've read previous parts, the source of magic in this universe had the generic label of energy. As of now, it is called Oracum.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZoYxdJ6L0Yhvf1DZXzh3fHCt_-YlQtVUTnAjnPSGWVU/edit?usp=sharing
While viewing the doc, you can press Ctrl+Alt+A+H for an outline of the chapters.
Anyway, the first post of this topic is still broken for me, and I don't feel like making a new topic, so despite the fact that the subtitle of the topic is still A Knife in the Dark, this new part is actually titled Dawn in Blood.
First post is fixed. I only had to literally delete the whole thing. I'll put the other story arcs on google docs hopefully sometime soon, when I get the courage to shift through nearly 500 pages of stuff. Okay. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to have that done in the near the future.
Dawn In Blood takes place roughly around the same time as the previous part and follows Vanen Travis who returns to his hometown to take over as lord. He expects to have an easy time with it, however he soon realizes that isn't the case as he butts heads with his sister who had been ruling in his absence, and as a case of human trafficking comes up, it isn't long before he finds himself longing to get back out there and fight.
Note: If you've read previous parts, the source of magic in this universe had the generic label of energy. As of now, it is called Oracum.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZoYxdJ6L0Yhvf1DZXzh3fHCt_-YlQtVUTnAjnPSGWVU/edit?usp=sharing
While viewing the doc, you can press Ctrl+Alt+A+H for an outline of the chapters.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Okay. I didn't quite get what 'escort' referred to in the last paragraph (assuming the captors, which I couldn't quite make sense of) but overall I think the scene was well written. It has little information though and it's hard to get an idea about the characters and plot from a single scene so you might want to post a chapter at least.
So for now all I can say is that it's well written.
So for now all I can say is that it's well written.
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Thanks! By escort, I mean the guys that made sure he got out there. I purposely put little information about the actual plot though maybe that wasn't the best decision. What I was trying to do was just draw people in and introduce them to some aspects of the world. Russell getting exiled isn't even an event that plays a role in the story until much later.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
If you were trying to introduce the world I think you didn't do a good job. As I said, it's too short to learn much from. All the things you mentioned will probably make sense later in the story, but until we see this 'later' it won't.
Well in any case you seem to be a better author than me and it's always great to have a new active author around here. This section is littered with too many random scribbles so getting something with structure is really great.
Well in any case you seem to be a better author than me and it's always great to have a new active author around here. This section is littered with too many random scribbles so getting something with structure is really great.
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If you were trying to introduce the world I think you didn't do a good job.
Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I re-read it after posting that. The only thing I really mention at all is that there are guns, and that there's a place called the Rikar Mountains. Doesn't really give a whole lot to go by.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Damn. The gap in ability is so apparent. So well written. Anyway...
Prologue mk.2:
I think conclude should be in past too?
Should be obvious.
Hm. So this is a political story huh. Damn, now that's something that I doubt I can do, because of keeping track of too many wills and intentions gets complicated very soon. Add to that stuff about social and societal influences, ugh. I'm always interested in reading one though, especially those written in the style you chose to present this with. The language sometimes fly over my head though.
Chap 1:
...grandeur?
and I think you messed the italics from
onwards. And since I'm already pampered with the ease to read with it, I'll continue after you fix it!
Prologue mk.2:
When they died down, Ruaidhri conclude his study of the grains of the table and looked up. “Was that wise?”
I think conclude should be in past too?
During the ensuing the chaos,
Should be obvious.
Hm. So this is a political story huh. Damn, now that's something that I doubt I can do, because of keeping track of too many wills and intentions gets complicated very soon. Add to that stuff about social and societal influences, ugh. I'm always interested in reading one though, especially those written in the style you chose to present this with. The language sometimes fly over my head though.
Chap 1:
For all its grander,
...grandeur?
and I think you messed the italics from
Bloody asshole!
onwards. And since I'm already pampered with the ease to read with it, I'll continue after you fix it!
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Thanks, dood! The political crap isn't the main focus of the story. It's the driving point behind what takes place in it though. Without it, you wouldn't have the mess that Ryxor and Vanen are about to get involved with. I'll be sure to fix the stuff you pointed out.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
More chapter 1.
I think this sentence is weird. Could be just me, but it seemed like you forced what should be two sentence, separated by a comma or 'and' into one.
You mean reins?
Period missing.
...what.
To.
Okay, so I like this chapter. There wasn't much detail other than introduction of some characters and the relationships between them, but it was a nice read nonetheless. Very well written and ample descriptions. The curiosity stirred by the strange assignment makes me look forward to reading more.
And no, I didn't try to proofread it. I just mentioned mistakes I happened to notice lol.
The trip from the palace to his manor in the city was short one made all the shorter on horseback.
I think this sentence is weird. Could be just me, but it seemed like you forced what should be two sentence, separated by a comma or 'and' into one.
Scarcely an hour had passed by the time he was handing the reigns in at his own private stable.
You mean reins?
“Yes, my lord?” The reply came shortly
Period missing.
“That won’t be necessarily.”
...what.
She never spoke up unless she had too
To.
Okay, so I like this chapter. There wasn't much detail other than introduction of some characters and the relationships between them, but it was a nice read nonetheless. Very well written and ample descriptions. The curiosity stirred by the strange assignment makes me look forward to reading more.
And no, I didn't try to proofread it. I just mentioned mistakes I happened to notice lol.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Chapter 2.
'...[the] armor...' I think. And 'inn'.
Cyinin Merc. Intended? Seems weird since the name is Cytinin.
Ok, so I like this chapter. Vividly written as expected from you, and there's also a nice suspense. Like how Ratana got the task to murder the hell out of the bandits, one of which claimed that her father was their leader. Either he was part of a group of traitors or else, I'll see in later parts.
Ryxor turned her aside as gently as he was capable of while wearing armor and pumped with adrenaline. Ignoring the people gaping at him, he charged out of the in.
'...[the] armor...' I think. And 'inn'.
“I am called Ratana Cytinin. My father is Vincent Cytinin, the leader of the Cyinin Mercenaries.”
Cyinin Merc. Intended? Seems weird since the name is Cytinin.
Ok, so I like this chapter. Vividly written as expected from you, and there's also a nice suspense. Like how Ratana got the task to murder the hell out of the bandits, one of which claimed that her father was their leader. Either he was part of a group of traitors or else, I'll see in later parts.
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That is the proper name of the mercenary group. Doesn't seem weird to me. People name stuff after themselves all the time. Look at Disney Land. Glad you like it so far.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
3.
'Arresting [her] here' and 'that [would] lead' are better, don't you think? Since 'arresting here' isn't very clear, and 'that led', well, there wasn't any problem yet.
Ruaidhri brother?
Period.
End. And 'nothing they could [do]'.
Alright, so this chapter answered the thing I pondered before. Very well written as usual.
There was the option of arresting here there in Mishar, but that led to its own problems.
'Arresting [her] here' and 'that [would] lead' are better, don't you think? Since 'arresting here' isn't very clear, and 'that led', well, there wasn't any problem yet.
Whether or not Ruaidhri brother wanted to admit it, his brother was an old man.
Ruaidhri brother?
“This is going to be the Agaron War all over again,”
Period.
Some rumors even claimed Alistair Draco knew of Agaron’s plans to attack months ahead of tim[e].
In the ended, they decided there was nothing they could but wait for the city watch to do its job.
End. And 'nothing they could [do]'.
As they left, Ruaidhri commanded the guar[d]s outside the Council chamber to follow her.
Alright, so this chapter answered the thing I pondered before. Very well written as usual.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
There was no ice or snow adorning
Unsure, but I would use 'nor'.
“What do you mean?” Vanen was quickly loosing what patience he still had left.
'Losing' seems more appropriate.
Before he left Kazeri, It was Vincent who did all the bookkeeping
It, small i.
but he didn’t have time to waste reprimanded him.
To waste reprimanding?
“Do you want a turn on my pole? I didn’ think so.
Missing t.
in a hole he might night be able to climb out of.
Might night?
Alright, so this chapter is telling me what I expected it to. I don't really like how Ryxor seemed totally oblivious about this Oren dude while Vanen seemed completely aware of him but that's just me. Keep it up.
CHAPTER 5 WHERE???
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
“All you have to do is go up to one of these farms, so the sigil and there you go. Free food and board.”
So the sigil? I dunno what it means, think you meant 'show'. Also, on this part, what Drex thought seemed to be sarcasm. But that seemed out of place, since he only thought it. I dunno about being sarcastic to yourself...
He was the lord of a Great House and it was time the king was reminded of that.
I think 'it was time the king be reminded of that' would sound better.
Dammit, with every chapter I can't help thinking you're a superior writer. How you describe things, your choice of opening and closure of scenes, your language etc are great. Waiting for chapter 6.
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Yeah, that was supposed to be "show", not "so."
Thinking sarcastic thoughts doesn't seem that strange to me.
This would be the part where if I wanted to be polite and modest, I'd tell you no, I suck. But by all means if you wanna compliment me, go ahead.
Thinking sarcastic thoughts doesn't seem that strange to me.
Dammit, with every chapter I can't help thinking you're a superior writer. How you describe things, your choice of opening and closure of scenes, your language etc are great. Waiting for chapter 6.
This would be the part where if I wanted to be polite and modest, I'd tell you no, I suck. But by all means if you wanna compliment me, go ahead.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
ordered he lackeys to do the same.
The/his?
“You’ve forced my hand. Don’t presume to understand me.”
Ratana thrashed against the confines of her makeshift cell once more. The walls of the abandoned mine only served to exaggerate the noise much to the annoyance of her guards.
Ratana thrashed against the confines of her makeshift cell once more. The walls of the abandoned mine only served to exaggerate the noise much to the annoyance of her guards.
I believe you forgot the ---.
lashed out with his with sword.
Extra with.
Ratana turned around to find Oren twisting his arm around until she heard bone snap like a trig.
Don't you mean twig? Any definition of trig seemed off in this sentence.
Hughes put his fist pistol aside and pulled out his second.
Typo.
Finally, Russell is mentioned in the main story. Looking forward to it.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Dammit I miss quick reply.
7.
...hmm. This is weird. The first part is obviously the direct continuation of the prologue. But the second is also an obvious direct continuation of the last chapter. The timeline doesn't seem to make sense here. Did Russell really hire Oren in the short span of days (which doesn't make sense as well) or this isn't chronological? There seems to be little hint of branching timelines, if any.
Oh, in the following part it's finally clear that it's indeed branched. Well it's clear that you arranged it that way to withhold information until it's necessary, but it seemed quite weird on first reading. Not a problem to me lol.
Long.
Liked wut.
8.
Missing a period.
Extra the.
his -> was.
9.
Weird phrasing.
Missing the, methinks.
One arc ends, begins the other. This is interesting. Post more.
7.
This did little to change his position though and he was beginning to run low on the supplies he grabbed. He called himself a fool for letting such a thing concern him. Why should he fight death’s claws any longer?
---
They left armed and armored the day following the attack on Stonemaw Mine. Two Sentinels, their retainers, the heir to the Cytinin Mercenaries and Officer Andrew Gaines of the Arabi Royal Army with a hundred and fifty men behind him, leaving nothing more than a token force at Frozen Shield.
---
They left armed and armored the day following the attack on Stonemaw Mine. Two Sentinels, their retainers, the heir to the Cytinin Mercenaries and Officer Andrew Gaines of the Arabi Royal Army with a hundred and fifty men behind him, leaving nothing more than a token force at Frozen Shield.
...hmm. This is weird. The first part is obviously the direct continuation of the prologue. But the second is also an obvious direct continuation of the last chapter. The timeline doesn't seem to make sense here. Did Russell really hire Oren in the short span of days (which doesn't make sense as well) or this isn't chronological? There seems to be little hint of branching timelines, if any.
If not on his own then when [they] finally reached Russell.
Oh, in the following part it's finally clear that it's indeed branched. Well it's clear that you arranged it that way to withhold information until it's necessary, but it seemed quite weird on first reading. Not a problem to me lol.
There was no way it could all be for naught after more than twenty years of waiting for the right moment to strike.
Long.
Russell Blackwood liked his lips. Traitors got what they deserved. Even if it took twenty years to deliver.
Liked wut.
8.
he was staring down a blunderbuss barrel, the man behind it his brother
Missing a period.
Whoever inhabited that ancient fort above ground had put the it into use.
Extra the.
If what he said his right . . .”
his -> was.
9.
They sat in the council chambers the way had nearly three months ago.
Weird phrasing.
He remembered times when
Missing the, methinks.
One arc ends, begins the other. This is interesting. Post more.
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Liked wut.
Wow, it was supposed to be licked. Giant goddamn facepalm. Unfortunately, I'm too tired and lazy to change it right now, so enjoy the hilarious typo while it's there.
Dammit I miss quick reply.
Me too. Also miss view counts.
Glad you like it though sadly, I have no idea when I'll post more. I wrote all of this version of the story in a month and feel burned out. I have started working on the next arc, but I'm moving at a much slower pace.
IT'S ALSO DISHEARTENING THAT ONLY ONE PERSON HAS BOTHERED TO REPLY. I LOVE YOU.
Spoiler:
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Oh, so when you said you finished it you meant the arc, not the whole thing.
Funny how it took you less to write a whole arc compared to me writing a single part.
Don't worry, I don't mind you loving me. One can never collect too many loves.
Funny how it took you less to write a whole arc compared to me writing a single part.
Don't worry, I don't mind you loving me. One can never collect too many loves.