The Children of Lux (Action/Adventure novel)

Chapter 4 is up! And now with proof-reading since I finally mustered the effort to E-mail it to my editor (I have enough effort to write extremely long books but not the effort to send an E-mail, irony huh?). I apologise in advance for the lack of plot in this Chapter.

Harem. Osananajimi.

I fail to see the action/adventure part of it anymore. This feels like SAO.

This is all set up at the moment, Chapters 6 and onwards become more action/adventure.

If you look through the past arguments I had with d (you can find them in the topics he creates and the topics I create), you would discover that we have different tastes in writing and we rarely agree. The same can be said about how we felt about the relationship between Cerice and Olsen.

After reading the fourth chapter, I was entertained for it felt light-hearted to me especially Cerice's displays of jealousy, her infatuation with Olsen and her pleas with Olsen to stay truthful to her. Their relationship appeared not to be serious to me, something which I can forgive if the story was not intended to be serious or realistic, quite like those Japanese cartoons.

Just in case I was mistaken in thinking so, I've re-read the second chapter. It seemed to me that both Olsen and Cerice fell for each other due to some spell rather than their personal qualities. While d would like to cut down the build up to a romantic relationship, I would argue against that. I see all fiction as parodies or depictions of non-fiction (which is why I prefer reading the latter) so I prefer Olsen and Cerice to become romantically involved in a more realistic fashion.

For a romantic relationship to develop, Cerice and Olsen might need to have a mutual admiration for their qualities or them simply being comfortable with each other's company. But for that to happen, I'd imagine Cerice and Olsen would have to go for a few more adventures with each other.

For me, it is more moving to see a relationship slowly developing and finally culminating into a romance rather than to see them already in a romantic relationship. These are my tastes for realistic and more serious stories. (You can read one of my topics "The Aristocrat, the Peasant and The City" for an idea of how I would write romance but I have to warn you that it is quite painful to read. Not my style at all.)

That aside, I thought the relationship between Cerice and Olsen a brilliant parody of a romance! I almost laughed reading it. If a merry and surreal story is what you are going for, you have done a remarkable job.

It was my intention to be merry, however, I feel the need to disagree about it being'surreal' because I've used my previous and current relationship as references for Romance. I can understand how anyone outside my life could see this as 'surreal' (In fact I kind agree that it isn't the most normal type of relationship ever from how me and my Girlfriend act) but my experiences in romance kind of led me to write like this and so I think a better way to phrase it would be 'alternative' rather than 'surreal'.

As for your idea of a 'Spell' to make them fall for one-another? That isn't too far off from the truth in all respects, but you'll have to wait a few Chapters to fully understand why I have done this (I always plan out these important things).

Hope my first point didn't sound like I was being rude or anything, it's not like I expected anyone to know that my only other Romantic experiences were 'abnormal' in comparison to most peoples and essentially cause my Romantic plot developments to seem 'Surreal' but it's all I know, I'm just really sensitive about how people phrase things like that (Not that you could have known that at all).

Not at all! When I say 'merry and surreal', I think of stories like One Piece where the characters behave implausibly but are very merry and happy. In no way does that mean that the story is bad. It is the context that made the actions of the characters in your story surreal rather than the actions themselves.

Take for example Aria's behaviour towards Olsen in front of a complete stranger or take for example that all of this is occurring between very important political figures like the High Priestess of the Land of Light and the future Queen Regnant of Despra. And all of that happening while the Beast of Chaos is threatening to destroy that world!

However, if Aria and Cerice were schoolgirls in a world similar to reality, I would find it more plausible and perhaps less entertaining. That may not necessarily be a good thing.

In the case of context I definitely agree with you, I always go for an entertaining spin even in a serious story so I guess a surreal feeling is to be expected when that happens sometimes. As long as you enjoy it I'm happy!

Chapter 5 is up! A snippet into Cerice's life as well as Olsen's childhood. The next Chapter will finally get the plot rolling, if only slowly.

I'd like to ask a question which I think can be answered if read through the chapters very, very thoroughly. At the point in time of Chapter 5, how many days had passed since Olsen met Cerice? It seemed to me that it took half a week to clear the bandits and half a week to meet up with the Despra king and princess.

I am a bit obsessed with realism if you ask me for my tastes in writing. As I have said before, I am of the belief (which could be mistaken) that good fiction is based on non-fiction. It is definitely easier to appreciate a work of fiction if it relates to what I am familiar with in the real world.

I spotting one spelling error which I must point out. Ofre cannot be viscous unless he were a liquid. I think vicious was the word you are looking for. That said, are there any other sentient creatures in your universe other than humans? Asked out of curiosity.

I'd imagine it took them around 3 days to travel from 'The village' to Cerice's original location and back. From that point on every Chapter should tell the story of an entire day so I'd guess at about a week?

As for the spelling error: Blame my editor, he was meant to correct that kind of stuff.

Also there are other sentient creatures for example: Wisps which are the left behind souls of humans which traverse the earth since they still have some kind of emotion that ties them to the earth (This can either make them peaceful or homicidal). There are also several other sentient beings but I haven't gotten to the point where they have been introduced other than the floating swords (Which have a mind of their own) but I haven't gone into detail other that yet.

Chapter 6 is now here, finally the main cast make it to an area that is not a forest or a small village.

Chapter 7. This is a short Chapter in comparison to the others. To be fair, I'm lacking motivation to continue this series and I've been debating with myself whether or not to go back to either Sci-Fi or just general Romance since they're my stronger areas of writing. Dunno what to do though...

I see plenty of things to expand on in the story, especially the countries, their politics, culture and people. We know that Despra has rich culture and its geography would affect how its people live, behave and think. How would such a country respond in the face of belligerent and militarist power bent on hegemony?

Where geopolitics in your universe is concerned, I thought you would be doing that conventional plot where a powerful country, Xion, is threatening to subsume the three other countries and is rather successful in its attempts to do so! If you are a history fanatic (I admit to being one), you can go into the histories of many countries and seek inspiration from there. For example, I have heard the Game of Thrones is based on the War of the Roses. I see such a story centring around those who are involved in defending the three countries from Xion's advances, perhaps through divine intervention by a resurrected God of Light.

Not sure whether you would be willing to do so but I suggest that you can ask others for their opinions on how the plot would continue or share with them your ideas for the story, gain inspiration from those ideas and continue the story.

Whilst all of these are valid points, they don't sway me to continue. The problem isn't that I lack inspiration (I've planned out the series and its culture, politics, ect.) but more that I'm not enjoying it any more. The way I've written the story so far has also made it so that to reach the point where such things are explored in depth, it would take me a long amount of time to get there. And that's just mind numbingly tedious. The point of my stories is that I want to see people enjoy them, but I can't write in a way that will allow that since I'm just not having any fun with doing it so I don't really want to continue.

The idea you came up with about Xion going to war with the other coutries was correct, and that's where it was going to inevitably lead, but I feel like the rest of the story would be boring up to it. There was also meant to be quite a few historical references (Mainly to the warring states of Ancient Greece and Europe).

I have plenty of 'inspiration' in terms of what I had planned for it, but not for actually writing the story.

Sorry, but recently I've been in a crap mood and I keep looking back at what I've written so far as terrible. I can't help it and sometimes I consider just leaving the story behind and ignore anything to do with it. Although nothing is set in stone (My view on things can change very quickly) I want to at least thank you for staying with it for this long. Not to say I'm done with writing stories, they're one of the most enjoyable things I've ever done and I want to continue writing but this story is sapping my motivation and time too much to seem worth it.

I apologise for the moaning about all of this, as I said, I'm not in a good mood so I can't help it.

*EDIT* Also, asking for peoples opinions over the story and what to do is difficult for me since I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I can't look people in the eye most of the time, let alone request them to give criticisms over my work. To put it in perspective; Whenever I post something on these forums or see something pop up in my notifications my heart goes racing. Literally. The idea someone could be interacting with me is terrifying.

Again, sorry. My personal problems aren't of your concern but it at least gives you context for why I don't want to continue/can't ask for help.

I see. For me, it is the complete opposite. If I manage to arouse interest with my writing, I would be motivated to write more. I welcome exposition and if you should ask me to describe Xion, I would bring in my personal opinions and not play the dispassionate narrator:

Xion is a polity. It has borders, it has a government, it has people, it has culture, it has an army, it has an economy and it even invented what we would identify as 'financial instruments'. All signs point to Xion being a thriving medieval city.

However, she is surrounded by countries that aren't blessed by the God of Light or the more powerful Goddess of Luck (Lady Luck as we know her) or the even more powerful God of Thrift, Resourcefulness, Assiduousness and Drive or the yet more powerful Man who (potentially) possesses all of these attributes.

The learned man acquainted with the machinations and cruelties of medieval geopolitics should know that when powerful empires on the ascendant share borders with not so powerful non-empires on the decline, the latter states would be left wishing for the imposition of anachronistic international laws crafted by anachronistic international bodies. Since those bodies that proclaim themselves as guardians of international peace did not (and could not) exist in this universe, they are screwed.


Where writing is concerned, what I encounter however is the inability to come up with scenarios. My choice of what to write is influenced by this. You will find that most of my writing pokes fun of the work of others or aren't stories at all.

I really applaud and admire you and others who contribute to this forum by coming with up stories. Rest assured that I am some way or another inspired by what you came up with.

That last point really touched me, truthfully. By no means have I decided to continue writing this story, but I will at least put the last 3 Chapters right now (Without the editing they usually receive so it's likely they'll lack detail and whatever else). What you said made me feel a little better, perhaps if I was a little less pessimistic then maybe I would (without a doubt) continue it. Thanks for staying with it this long again, I hope the next piece I bring here won't make me as frustrated and will hopefully be completed.

That last sentence may have made it seem like I've fully given up but I haven't really swayed either way...yet.

I don't want to detract from the story itself, but I feel compelled to ask: What's wrong my love? You haven't told me about you being in a bad mood, I'm worried.

That all being said, I love your books, I agree that the exposition could be a little more detailed in places, but by no means does that mean they're bad. You always end up being your own worst enemy, I think you can tell a beautiful story here so please don't give up; for me?

Right, I won't take up any more of your time (I've learnt never to bother my Danni when she's writing, seriously, it'll kill you).

[size=10]You just love to embarrass me don't you?...[/h]It's nothing to worry about. I'm still considering both possibilities, so I haven't made my mind up yet.

I'd be a pretty crap Girlfriend if I didn't worry, wouldn't I? You know how I hate it when you give up easily, it's just not in your nature to give up. Plus this story isn't bad at all. You're being too critical of yourself.

*By the way, If you don't at least try, I'm going to keep coming back here and start telling everybody embarrassing stuff about you ;D*

I got around to reading the third chapter.

At the beginning of the chapter, Olsen is jumping over trees as he speeds back to his village with Cerice but in Chapter 1, Olsen had to stop after running not that long. You should probably clear this up with more details. That or change the scenes to get rid of this inconsistency.

The description of the village is overwhelming for me especially since it comes in the middle of this sequence where Olsen has rushed back to his village to defeat the bandits that are raiding it.



This line comes a bit too early. His grandpa may still be alive, but he's in a sword fight with bandits.



Exactly my thinking. You point out the ridiculousness of the conversation between them, but I would have gone a step further and deleted it all together except for the first part where Cerice is praying. It seems like it'll become important later on.



You can delete the bold part and it takes nothing away. That Olsen's grandpa is in a physical confrontation with a bandit is obvious.



Cerice might be relieved to see Davies again, but I don't think she would be laughing happily about it. It's a complete 180 from how she was feeling seconds ago.

Cerice's repeated use of "my love" is starting to get on my nerves. I don't mind if it's a common expression of hers, but she shouldn't say it every time she talks to Olsen. For one, it makes her appear as though she has a one-track mind set on Olsen. Even if she's totally fallen head over heels in love with him, there should be more going on with her than that love.

The scene at the end with Einkard is amusing, but I'm finding it hard to believe he was able to figure out Cerice and Olsen have fallen for each other just by seeing that Olsen is amused with Einkard making her flustered.

I'd say we still haven't seen much of the main conflict yet, but it's not out of the ordinary for stories to take their time, fantasies in particular. Hopefully there'll be more development soon though.