The Children of Lux (Action/Adventure novel)

Thank you for reading! I'm working on a short 3 chapter story for the writing event so look forward to that.

I finally got around to reading Chapter 7. I have to say, I was a little disappointed. The fight itself was fine, but I was expecting more progress with the plot as opposed to just hints at what Ofre is up to.



Remove "innocent." Childhood is good enough. Adding innocent makes it sound like you're trying too hard to make us feel bad for Olsen.



Trade off "deduced" for said.



It's enough to say that Olsen has pulled the dagger out. Delete the bold stuff.



Delete bold. Really, not to sound like an ass--I mean, you could have had all this written beforehand--but overall, I'd say your prose in this chapter suffers from the same shortcoming as in previous chapters. That is, you're saying too much. Some things are better left to the reader's imagination. I need not know that Ofre's walk is menacing. It's enough to know that Ofre is an asshole who killed their parents and is now approaching Olsen while holding a scythe. It sounds so obvious when I put it all out there like that.

I think you may be a little tired of me pointing out information that I think is unnecessary and should be deleted, so I'll stop doing so at this point. That is unless you want me to continue.



I don't quite get the meaning of this sentence.



Something's off here.

Don't worry you're right on the cusp of the long explanation chapters. Just like-One more to put up with nothing happening until the explanations starts popping up.



That's kind of just how I write. It's an unconscious process. And if I don't do it I feel like I'm not giving the audience enough, I like them to know how the characters move even if you consider that to be better off left out. If I didn't do things like that the word count would probably fall by half, and then I wouldn't be satisfied with what I've written. I'll probably never stop putting in information like that because A. That's just my style and B. I don't feel like it's such a drawback that people would hate it to such an extent they would stop reading it.

I don't mind if you keep doing it but I more than likely won't do anything about it unless I really agree that it's completely pointless and is better of not said. Not to sound like an ass myself.

One little bit of extra info wouldn't turn someone off, but if your chapters are laden with it, that's another story. If you're satisfied with the current way you write, then that's fine. I've given my two cents, and that's all I can do.

I don't think it's that much of an issue even if it was laden with it. All I'm saying in the example you gave was Ofre walking 'menacingly' that doesn't seem like a lot to me. People can still interpret how he's walking exactly and the implications of him walking like that; to me that still offers a lot for the reader and wouldn't turn them off (unless every reader is like you, in which case: I'm fucked). But I still appreciate you offering your two cents.



Meh. Probably. Although I'd prefer it if I could. I'm likely to get one of my works published in the near future so I'm sure the money happy faces of other readers will do me fine.

Well, maybe that wasn't the best example for me to use. Don't get me wrong though. I totally think that "menacing walk" should be deleted, and I don't regret busting your balls about it. Another example of a sentence that I thought was completely unnecessary was this one:



This sentence comes immediately after the dialogue it's referring to in which I can easily tell that Ofre is being vague about what he's up to.



I'll still be happy. Unless you get published before me.

I guess our opinions just differ on that, the example you gave afterwards, I agree that should be deleted but not the 'menacing walk'. To me that doesn't seem so pointless or detract the reader's ability to imagine what's going on enough to be deleted. Going to be overly literal here but I don't have any balls to be busted muhahahahaha.




I dunno, I'm going for a meeting with a few publishers in the next few days. You'll have to do a lot to beat me to it. Assuming of course that I actually get published. Which is up in the air at the moment.

We'll see who gets the last laugh. Let's just say that maybe I know a few guys who can lean on those publishers of yours.

You'll have to find out which publisher first! Muhahahahahahaha!