The Children of Lux (Action/Adventure novel)

I am looking forward to it.

Here is a thread that I have created months ago to lampoon the contest entries (mine included) submitted for an event months ago. It is written in the hope to make people, myself above all, laugh. I hope you would be entertained by it.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-wrap-up-campaigning-and-mudslinging#4017030

ED: I have read the latest chapters of your story. It appears to me that the first few chapters did attempt at some kind of foreshadowing about the true identities of our heroes. I felt that the story dropped hints which include the title of this story, the prologue of the story, Olsen's strange powers and the even stranger circumstances that led to Olsen and Cerice being in a relationship.

It felt somewhat satisfying to see the dots connect together.

Firstly, thank you for the link, your work always gives me a little chuckle and seems very well laid out and put together. I can't wait to see what you do next! ^_^

Secondly, I'm glad that the dots did end up joining together. I was afraid I hadn't done well enough with the exposition of their circumstances but if you say it's all-right then I'll take your word for it. And if you got satisfaction from it, all the better ^_^

Also, due to being bed-ridden today, I managed to pass the time by writing Chapter 11. It'll need editing since I was only Semi-conscious given my delirious state so it might be a bit weird in places. I don't know when I'll release it to the public but hopefully within 3-4 days.

So after about 2 weeks of being unable to get out of bed from depression most days I have written Chapter 11! Hurray for doing nothing except crying! In all seriousness I'm moving past it, writing helps.

In any case, this Chapter explores Lamina's past with The Lord of Light and how terrible, terrible people Ofre and Persephone are. Enjoy ^_^

Read Chapter 4.



A way to improve your writing is rather than just outright saying what emotions a character is feeling, tell us something that hints at the emotion. Rather than saying "embarrassed" in the quote above for example, you could say, "Her cheek's flushed red." We automatically associate blushing with embarrassment.



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I would have had Aria cut Olson off so we don't have to hear Aria's title repeated again so soon. Also, it would fit her personality from what little I've seen of her at this point.



Replace with "be"



Delete. I don't see what's so confusing about fear of losing the one you love



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Here there are two complete sentences, so they can't be combined with just a comma. You have to use a connecting word like "but" as well or just make them separate sentences.



I'd change that to "near the border" since The Land of Light is kind of a mouthful.



This is probably just a joke but given that this IS fantasy, now I wonder if there's some kind of magic that can bind Olsen to Cerice if he's dead.



Comma error

About grammar. You mentioned it isn't one of your strong points. Xenon really knows his stuff, and he's super helpful. I'm sure if you asked, he'd be willing to read a chapter or two.



The carriage door probably has a window, so there's no need for Cerice to open the door.



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Thanks d, I'll get on the editing...at some point.



It's just a joke. But you never know...It may become foreshadowing...but probably not. And humans in the world become disembodied spirits if they are still attached to the world when they die...maybe that could happen to Olsen?



Usually I'd have my editor deal with it, but A. He's busy with stuff that I don't want to interrupt him from and B. I wouldn't have the courage to ask someone else to help. A little sad, I know, but it's kinda one of my not-so-great personality traits.

It's actually not that uncommon for people take something that originally wasn't connected to anything and make it a piece of foreshadowing. It makes it look like you had at all planned out in advance, and that in turn makes you look really smart.



I don't find it sad at all. I'm actually a pretty shy guy in general in real life. It's hard for me to talk to people besides family and a few close friends.

Due to having nothing to do since I have two weeks off from school and no more exams expect an abundance of Chapters! I need to find a way to pass the time and after watching a whole Anime series I only waisted half a day. Chapter 12 has been written and is in the process of being checked by myself and Chapter 13 is about 30% done. Just as a preview: Chapter 12 focuses more on Lamina's past and our heroes reach the capital of The Land of Light. Chapter 13 focuses on a battle between our antagonists and protagonists.

EDIT: Chapter 13 is done! I like it purely because it explores Ofre's decisions more and includes some more action.

Chapter's 12 and 13 are up in one bulk upload! You lucky things. Enjoy!~

Chapters 14 and 15 are up and detail the end of Act 1. I've planned out Acts 2 and 3 but they won't see the light of day for some time I'd imagine. I don't think you'll get a lot of closure from the ending but it does set up the main quest of the series and will be detailed at the start of Act 2. Enjoy in any case~

I read Chapter 5.

I don't think you did the best job of pulling it off, but Cerice and Aria's conversation and Cerice learning that Olsen has lied to her is a smart development for their relationship. They seemingly fell in love at first site and to have them go on happy with no conflict would have been a mistake.

We've seen magic used before, but it's nice to get some details on the system.



I'd delete this and add "Several hours out," to the beginning of the next paragraph. We already know the village is surrounded by forest. Therefore if the group is several hours out, it can be reasoned that they're traveling through forest. If you feel that we must be reminded of the existence of the forest, then do so in an indirect way. For example, you could include a sentence of Cerice watching the trees as they go by. It lends a more natural feel to the prose as opposed to simply stating they're in a forest.



I'm not 100% sure if there's anything wrong grammatically with this, but it's very wordy. It would be better if you chopped it up into smaller sentences.



This is another example of stating information that doesn't need to be. Cerice's intention is clear from her dialogue and her actions. Additions like the bold section should only be there if her intentions need to be cleared up.



I would think that Cerice would have more of a reaction to the reveal of Olsen's brother rather than simply being upset that Olsen has lied to her. Is she not curious at all as to what happened to Ofre?



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Could have been better worded. Something like:

Cerice removed her knife from its sheath at her side and started at the dried blood that covered it. Davies eyes opened wide.



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Delete. It isn't natural. No one would talk about a parent as an acquaintance like this.



Aria said Ofre shoved his sword through his father's throat as opposed to slitting it. This is no doubt a traumatizing thing to witness for both Olsen and Aria, but still. I'd take note of this discrepancy.

You'll hopefully learn why they fell in love quickly soon. Other than that I can't add a whole lot without giving anything away.




Perhaps. But I would feel she would be too shocked by learning Olsen had lied to her and so she would rather learn his reasons for lying instead of learning about Ofre. I imagine she's also smart enough to understand that Ofre probably had something to do with it since A. She hasn't seen him in the village and B. Because Olsen has yet to mention anything about him or his own parents.




My mistake. I think I changed my mind since I wanted something a little more gruesome (I imagine watching his father choke on his own blood and gasp for life would be more traumatic to watch then having a sword stabbed straight through and kill him instantaneously) so he would repress the finer details of what happened.

I still think it's a bit unrealistic. Unless of course it's the spell at work or whatever the hell that made her fall in love with Olsen.

Given the nature of 'what' made them fall in love: No. Given its context it almost certainly has nothing to do with that since they don't show any unnatural ignorance. In fact later on, and at earlier points, they show conscious understanding that their love for each-other is unrealistic. So I guess that's just a disagreement between us about how a person would act in that situation.

Sorry for the late reply. I spent last night attending to other matters so I did not read through what was 5 to 6 chapters for me.

I have to commend you for coming up with a story that I could read and understand. It was rather clear what was happening even though I nearly missed the part where Olsen's arm regrew back.

I am very impressed with how you came up with the plots and twists especially about Ofre's motivations even though I have my problems with them.



Never mind what is in the spoiler though. I could not come up with what you have written if I were in your shoes. I have to compliment you nonetheless.

What made it more entertaining were the parts that I found funny.

First was how Lumina dealt with the riotous crowd at the trial by manhandling them in Chapter 11, The Sands of Time.

Second was how nonchalant Ofre was in these paragraphs:


That aside, you may have noticed that I was persuaded to come up with a writing event.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/the-summer-winter-writing-event-2014

I would love to see you contribute anything for that event. You can work with other people, me included to submit an entry.

Thanks for your support!



I'd be more than happy to participate. I'll probably write a 5-6 chapter long story for it, I've been permeating some ideas in the back of my mind for a little while that I think might be good so expect to see them. I'm not great with working with others, so I don't know if I will (Not ruling it out but when I write I tend to write a lot in a short space of time and I would prefer to work with people who have time on their hands or are rather efficient so I don't end up running away with it) but definitely expect to see something from me!

I volunteer! Not that I have a lot of time on my hands though.

Read Chapter 6. I think you kinda cleared up Olsen's sickness a little too fast, but you managed to foreshadow future events and weaken him for the impending confrontation with his brother at the same time, adding to the tension.





You're trying to cram too much into this sentence. I'd break up like this:

"Olsen slowly came to. His hearing was distant and impaired from the blow to his head, and his vision remained dark and spotty."

Note the use of "and." When you combine two complete sentences, you need a conjunction as well as a comma that helps to convey the relationship between them. Alternatively, you could use a semi-colon instead of the comma+conjunction.

You said your grammar could use some work. I don't know how much work, and if I've presumed too much, go right ahead and give me a slap on the wrist. I'm not sure how much you care about grammar, but if you can get your knowledge of it up to snuff, you'll win the adoration of grammar nazis everywhere.



Blood, blood, blood. There's definitely a better way to re-word this description/trim it down to avoid saying "blood" so many times.

"Cerice managed a smile despite the ghastly state of Olsen's face. It was stained crimson from so much blood; it looked as if a five-year-old had covered it with face paint."

I cut out the info about the blood having run out of his nostrils and mouth because we were just told that several paragraphs ago.





Replace the commas with periods. Witness needs to be in the past tense. Add a comma after "parents"

You say that it's unnatural for Aria to see Olsen in this state, but I think what you mean to say is that it's unnatural for Olsen to be like this. Not a terribly big difference, but it is a difference.



Missing the period after unsure.



I believe your ratio is backwards.



The part could just have another rider lead him along. I'm no horse expert, but they aren't stupid, especially a horse like Caballo, which is undoubtedly trained.



Maybe it's just me, but those two phrases sound awkward.



Typo?



Actually, wine isn't a bad choice.



Isn't Aria the princess? Can't she just use her position to wave everyone through?



Bit of a stretch there. Initial attack aside, Olsen's symptoms as described seem in line with what you'd expect from a nasty but not life threatening sickness.



Not a fan of Ofre's physical appearance. Maybe it'll grow on me later if there's some reasoning placed behind why he looks the way he does, but for now, it just sounds like that of a stereotypical villain.

I've resigned myself to just not caring about grammar at all at this point. It's been so many years where people (Namely my teachers) have just ignored my pleas for help over it. I don't care about it at all really, I only really mentioned it to give Grammar Nazi's a heads up so they would (and I'm not directing this at you at all) just shut the fuck up.



Yeah probably but I'd expect most people would understand they're the minority due to the 'only' I used and the fact they've been given a specific title. I'll change it but its not that much of an issue.



I think. Maybe I was trying to convey how desperate Cerice was but didn't know how to phrase it.



Cerice doesn't know any better. She's very privileged and doesn't concern herself with things like that.



The Princess doesn't hold much power, plus to let an entire regiment of men who are technically no longer their allies would be an insane thing to do for the higher-ups of the city even if Aria gave the go ahead. Purely an assumption since we know they wouldn't do anything of the sort but Aria is young and inexperienced so they probably wouldn't take her word for it in the sense of letting them all through.



There is. A rather important and symbolic detail to why he looks like that.

I'd consider myself one step short of a grammar nazi. I think I'm more of a grammar fanatic. Yes, it bothers me, but I can put up with it. And Children of Lux isn't even that bad. I don't have trouble understanding anything.



I'm not so sure. Even if a princess doesn't hold much real power, a princess is still a princess. They usually get what they want, but there would certainly be some hesitation at the least if non-ally armed troops are involved.

I read chapters 1-3 and the last one. I found it good and easy to read. I'd like it if you made short stories too though.