Strike!

The hint is their appearance, supernatural powers, and the slaughter of the rangers. When I read the prologue for the first time I thought of them as nothing more than supernatural baddies. True, I knew next to nothing about them. But I figured the author would explain more later, and I was fine with that.



Yeah, I hear you. And as I have said before, not everything can be shown. Sometimes things must be told.



Probably rather low. I usually don't drop books once I start them.



No, I mean several. And really, that's not bad at all in a book with 73 chapters.



I believe Martin killed off those characters in the prologue to establish the tone of the book. You best believe it's going to be a violent story after that prologue.



You should totally do a parody of five books plus the ones that haven't been released yet.

good thing about this story: it's grammatically sound: your grammars good, and you know how to write mechanically well at its basic form.

constructive criticism:
i feel there's too many disconnects between the realities of the story; i don't know you very well but as i'm trying to understand garm i feel like you slip in yourself when you aren't supposed to with these characters which causes this disconnect; garm is supposed to be a killer that smokes, and is supposed to have a developed callousness due to his occupation--whoever garm was meant to be is interrupted by characteristics that are inconsistent with his presupposed histories. If he smokes why not talk about as to why he smokes or how he liked it? does he even like it? where is the history that makes garm garm? it's as if hes a video game character that you just decided to make up on the spot along with this situation-- none of it feels real.

not only that but i suggest you make the power of the gods your central focus in this story-- and garm in relation to it-- it's a really interesting idea but it's bogged down by the clutter-- garm talks about his interest in the story about this unfathomable great power-- but if it's unfathomably great, why does no one give a shit about it? you have to first define garm's character and create decisions that are consistent to it: a killer who's supposed to not care about anything but making a living--as he can't really afford to, is described in the story to care about something that doesn't feed him. if you want to make him care about things that he can't afford to care about, you have to give a legitimate reason why, such as, a sentimental reason, or the fact that this thing could sell a shit ton, it could grant immortality, he has a girl that likes him that is extremely rich, or hes batman and he lives a bruce wayne double life: whatever it is he needs to have a real reason that makes this whole thing authentic

as for the story-- why does everyone talk so much? about unimportant things? words can be powerful, and are meant to be used sparingly, words that are thrown around at the end of the day aren't taken very seriously.

My idea behind Garm is this guy who could be a really great friend, the catch of course being that he's a gang member and he has the skillset to kill you without breaking a sweat. I don't think that people like Garm necessarily become calloused and uncaring in the same way that smart people don't always use the biggest words they can think of when they talk. I see your point though. I think it's a good one. A guy who kills on a regular basis would probably pick up some baggage along the way unless he's able to deaden himself to the act to some extent.



To make a long story short, I need to get better at writing short stories. Like, I should do them more often than just for these competitions.



Because I felt like it. Not that I'm saying I think you're wrong. I just felt like having people talk. Although now that you mention it, the story is framed as one guy telling a story to another, so technically the whole thing is literally talking.

Most of what I think has already been said, so I will try to be quick with my criticism.

The story is a but confusing, you are never really certain about what it actually is about. Don't get me wrong though. I actually like being left in the dark, but only temporarily, this leaves too many things to be wondered about. When leaving something up to interpretation, you could easily make the reader wonder, who is Garm? Their idea about Garm can then be formed on how they interpret the story. However, you have too many loose ends for this effect to be achieved.

I like stories that don't answer everything, though I suppose I need to work on the balance between questions answered and those left unanswered.

Hey d(^_^)(^_^)d, your story is the first I have read among the entries, so here we go.

Small note regarding the grammar, I think they could use more work. I spotted some grammar errors here and there, wrong tenses being uses and stuffs, and also typos.

For the story itself, I would say it's not bad, but could be better. What you got there is a good setting (I imagine something like Assassin's Creed's Paris), some have-the-potential-to-become-good characters and potential backstories (everyone loves those). I have to say, not to offend, the whole thing just screamed Assassin's Creed to me. Main character being an assassin, doing shadowy works, the conflict between two factions and the time frame. Gods and weird powers just make me think of Middle-Ages.

I read the whole conversation of you and Leonard (damn, that was long), and unfortunately, I'll have to agree with Leonard on several matters. First one is clarification. You said that people tend to drop stories on their first chapter, so you write yours to have that kind of mysterious aura for an opening to intrigue the readers. I don't know about everybody else, but I don't enjoy remembering details (ones that I have absolutely no idea what the hell they are) and trying to guess what those details are. HowWever, I will be attracted to a story that establish a clear and interesting setting, who is the main character and what he/she did/do/will do in the story. In this particular case, the main character is also the narrator, which only increases the need for that much-needed clarification, since I want to know why he is telling his story and why am I listening to (reading?) his story. Leonard pointed out the same problem in my last year's entry.

Talking about that, there is one thing I want to say about this story. When I read stories, fiction stories like this in particular, I visualize the characters in my head (I guess everybody does the same thing too). When I read an opening like "I'll you a story, listen up", I always, and always, imagine some kind of old geezer who is a sheriff sitting in a tavern located in a desert (like some kind of badly made old Western cowboy film), talking about his horse and the criminals that he caught today to other folks, unless the story say otherwise. I guess your case fell into the cowboy category. Only old men would sit around telling stories to kids. So, my point is that, I see no reason for a thug like the main character in the story here to tell his story about some random thing he found to other people. I mean, do people even listen to him? And doesn't he want to kept the fact that he's a thug a secret? Who is he telling the story to? Imagine Garm being in a bar, does he gather people up and start talking about how he killed two random motherfuckers today? I think not. So, I just don't get the 'point' of this story. Also, I failed to see the moral lesson you stated at the start presenting inside the actual story. They just don't connect , and in my opinion, it has a lot to do with the 'point' of the story I have said so above.

Sorry for a wall of text. For last words, I think you have a good idea, but not a great execution. I think you could definitely improve the story if more work is put into the piece.

Really? That's a little disheartening after having read through it like 15 times.



I'm not offended at all.



In other words, it wouldn't be wrong to say my method is a shortcut so I don't have to bother creating a setting that is interesting. No, that's not me accusing you of anything. I have just now come to realize that my words could be interpreted as such. That is not to say however, that I'm starting to think I'm wrong.



That is not a conclusion I would have made. I will keep this in mind.



It's supposed to add to the setting. If this is an area where a gang member can freely talk to a curious passerby about people he's killed, then it must be a pretty shady place.



As Garm says in the end, there is no lesson to learn in his story. Admittedly, this is due more to me being lazy as opposed to some kind of twist that I thought would be amusing. But I must say, I did find it amusing when I wrote it.



Not at all.



I shall be working on that, keeping what you said in mind.

Well, I'm a non-native English learner, so I deal with the 'rewrite sentence' exercise, where you have to rewrite a given sentence using words they provide, all the time. So I'm pretty good at spotting wrong grammar in others' works. There are some sentences in particular use 'was', whereas I think it should be 'have been'. I also remember a typo where you write 'his' instead of 'has'. I don't know about everyone else, but it's really difficult for me to spot grammatical errors in my own work. It always happen to me when I write essays. Somebody will always find some errors in my writing, no matter how many times I have re-read and fix it. And we can't ask someone else for help reading our entry due to the spirit of the contest. So, I think it is inevitable to have a few errors here and there. I'll see if I have some time tonight to point out some errors in your story.



I'm glad that you don't think you're wrong. Everyone should have their own style of writing. It's just that everybody should also keep in mind others' opinions and critism for later works.



Sorry if I caused some confusion, that's just me being weird, don't pay attention to that. My point is, it's easy to make readers misinterpret your story if you don't establish a clear setting and character.



Aight. Still, it still somewhat come across as a bit weird to me, coz I like have said above, I haven't quite seen the 'point' of Garm telling a story yet.



And I also find it amusing to read it too. I haven't said good luck to you yet. So, good luck in the contest.

Please do if you get an opportunity.

You know, after re-reading that rule, I don't think it means that we can't get help. It just means we can't have other people work on it for us, which makes sense. If I'm wrong, then I think it's a stupid rule.



Of course. I believe that 100 percent.



Not at all. I had the same problem with a story I wrote in which the main character is a bouncer at a bar and is in his early-mid twenties. Until this line pretty late into the story that alludes to his age, Xenon pictured him as a middle-aged biker or something like that. I get what you mean.



There isn't really a point. Either Garm felt like telling the listener a story or the listener wanted to hear one. That's it.



Same here. Good luck.

Here is my reflection on the overall theme of your work
work:
I like the kind of style you used for narrating the story, it really feels as if I were there with Garm on the tavern table, drinking and exchanging stories with him.



I feel like I could use some backstory regarding the start of the enmity between the Hounds and the Sabers, was it Garm who triggered the feud? Or is it just time, for gangs are fated to fight each other?

As for the moral, I have tried racking my brain but only come up with this:
"One should verify facts being told to them rather than jumping to conclusions"

I had come up with that reflection upon taking into account Garm's chnage in demeanor when he heard the rumours of mortals wielding godly powers and the moment that Garm had realized that the rumours were not as they were.

Thanks.



There isn't much to it as I imagine it. Although maybe I'll come up with something more elaborate if I ever add to this story. In the mean time, feel free to speculate.



Sure. Let's go with that.

Soooooooooo, I just finished the first draft of a sequel to this story. Maybe it's because I literally just finished it, but I gotta say. I think it may be the best thing I've written to date. Can't wait to share it! But first, lots of editing. Also, I have a 2nd draft of my contest entry that I wrote a few weeks ago taking into account what leonard said. I'll go through again with the feedback the rest of you have given me so far. Hopefully, I'll have both up soon. Until then, lots to do!

\

OR maybe it's just as Garm says.

Well, it was explicitly stated in Rule #5: Please avoid having someone else edit/improve/fix errors in your entry. It goes against the spirit of the contest in questioning whether your submission is truly your original work.

After re-reading your entry, here's some of the errors I found:

• It starts started in a tavern.

• It’s the best option there is for someone living in the city who isn’t wasn't born upper class or a merchant.

I don't think you can be born a merchant either. Maybe you meant 'wasn't an upperclassman nor a merchant'. The way you phrase that may confuse readers that you meant he wasn't born a merchant.

• Truth be told, I can only imagine Seritia, the Lord of Lust, Vengeful Storms, and Entropy; or Ravelon, the Lord of Blood, Celestial Light, and Damnation claiming be able to claim anyone in such a heavy-handed fashion I think in this case 'be able to claim' fits in the context better.

• The Sabers have been in a long-standing war with the Hounds, though the situation wasn’t hasn't always been so.

• Their anonymous leader, who legend has it that he is known by only two people,

• It wasn’t until I finally gave in to the destiny that awaits all lowborn who didn't worth anything

• Needless to say, things haven’t gone the underworld king’s way since.

Doesn't contain a grammatical mistake, but doesn't it kinda weird, coz their would be two underworld's kings, one ruling the Hounds and the other ruling the Sabers, don't you think?

Sorry I couldn't find the time to do this sooner like I promise. That's just some few errors (or at least I think they are errors). You should wait for the contest to end then ask Xenon to examine your grammar further, since he would be more thorough than me. But in the meantime, it should be something for you to work on.

I think Xenon already has a QCed version of D's entry already, but I'm not exactly sure though, so don't count me on that.

However, I believe that we do not mind users improving or editing the entries of other participants after the deadline, so long as the participants do not update their respective thread's original opening post that contains the contents of the entry.

My thinking behind why the rule might not be as strict as it sounds is because It's not a rule that's placed on professional writers or writers in other competitions. Of course, provide credit where credit is due, but it's a perfectly acceptable practice for pros to even have whole groups of people who quality check their work. It would, however, be a different story if they were to have someone else write sections of their work for them, not tell anyone, and then pass it off as their own.

The same goes for ideas. People bounce ideas off each other all the time, and receive feedback and improvements before the pen is even put to the paper (or hands to keyboard).

I don't see how getting help from others is an unfair advantage so much as it is taking any help you can get.



No problem. Thanks. After looking over these ones here, now I know why I never spotted some them. I didn't think they were errors. In fact, I'd actually like to argue against a couple of them.



Obviously when talking about the past, we use the present tense. But when talking about stories, we use the literary present. In this case, I'm not sure what tense is right. The sentence is referring to a past event, but he's talking about a story he's about to tell, even if it is a story about himself. I tried using past tense, but present tense just sounded better to me, so I went with that, even if it is wrong.



I used present as opposed to past tense because Garm is referring to a condition of the city that is still present at the time he's telling his story.



There's an error there all right, but it's not the one you marked. What I should do is delete "that he." That'll give the sentence the original meaning I intended it to have. Not that it super matters. It's not in the second draft, but good to know all the same.



This sentence is may or may not have been grammatically correct to begin with, but the way you have it here is wrong. I don't feel like figuring out the technical reasons why, but as a native English speaker, it just sounds wrong to me.



The way I see it is the Hounds leader is the king, and the Sabers leader is challenging his rule, so he's not a king yet, but he sure as hell hopes to be.



I don't even plan on posting the 2nd draft until after the results are announced and the contest is long over. The poll with my entry may already be over with, and you and the other judges may have finished reading all the entries, but still. I don't want to risk somehow screwing something up.

Also, I don't want people to be like, "Man, I just got through reading all sixteen entries. I don't wanna read this one again!" Not that I expect half as many people to read it anyway.

To be honest, we may have to re-read some of the entries when we look into them as we discuss regarding them later.

In my case - and I am not aware about the other two here - I went with the lazy way and read the entries off of the threads posted here, instead of documenting them all in a separate Google Doc or a notepad before reading them. It is in our best interests that no one posts a second version of their entries - to keep opinions as clear as possible of the first version - even separately in a different post - till the contest's winners are announced.

All right then.



I never even thought about the possibility of people trying to sneak in an updated version after it ends. I would hope that no one would do that, but you never know how desperate someone might be for that $25 gift code thing.

I'm not sure. I didn't have any help with my entry anyway, so.



I completely see where you are coming from with this, but if I were you, I'd still use 'started'.



I also knew why you you wrote it like that. However, if you re-read that sentence closely, with the way you phrased it, Garm is actually referring to himself when he said 'someone'. And of course, he was already born by the time he's telling this story.



Maybe you should just rewrite it as 'all worthless lowborn'. Makes it that much more cohesive and easier to read too. Magic of English.



Then maybe you should have clarified so in the story.



How many hentai manga can I buy with that much in the store anyway?