Don't Mind Me

lol, well idk then. mayb just feelin random today i am in the choosing =w=

and well about the writer thing, it's Fakku u kno? ppl will come and go >3> only the active will stay. this does not mean you should think that. and if you do still think that, think of improving.

Then I ask of you, how do I improve, Loneo?

= 3 =
sadly i am not the one who you should ask, for I too and working on my own writings and working on improving.(though i dont post them on Fakku =_=)
should ask around and seek advice from other Fakku members (who are pros at writing), or other online writers >_>. my advice is: all in all, its all you. you determine if your work is bad or good (if you are a good writer or not)

What do you think of my story so far?!

very good, you are able to make the story flow by the choices quite well.
dunno where the bad is though (which i know there is) there is always something open for improvement. just don't go and revise the whole thing all of a sudden or it will make no sense.

Alright. Thank you very much for your opinion. So what's your next choice?

A. Just for the sake of being curious of what will happen with more interaction.

D as get nekkid

Well, it's about time I wrote more. There's naked. Please don't be upset.

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"...No, not yet, I still have no idea who you really are, and until I get to know you more, I can't say for sure."

Melinda looks dejected at Celine's response.

"I see. I understand."

"Um, this might be asking too much, but could I take a shower?"

"Oh. Sure thing!"

Melinda goes back to the room full of pictures and comes back out with a towel.

"Here you go. While you take. A shower I'll go. Back downstairs and. Get your clothes."

"Thanks, that'd be great."

"The shower's over there. Behind that door."

The shower she's pointing to is a tiny square room that juts out from the main wall in the corner.

"Alright, thank you."

I open the door and step inside. This is really small...

"I'll just leave these clothes on the floor outside, okay?"

"Sure."

I take off the clothes Melinda gave me to wear and drop them on the floor outside. I hear a small beep from outside and then a door opening and closing. I turn the shower on and feel the warm water wash away the sweat and dirt on my body. When I see the dirt, I'm reminded of my flight from Anastasia's mansion and I can't help but wrap my arms around myself, thinking about how Anastasia must hate me now. I'm so sorry, Anne...

After washing myself, I hear the small beep and the door opening and closing again.

"I'm back, Celine."

"Oh, good, just hand the clothes to me through the door."

"Okay."

I open the door just a bit and hold my hand out. I feel Melinda put some clothes onto my hand, when suddenly I lose my footing on the slippery floor. I reach forward trying to find something to regain my balance, but find nothing and fall out the door. Melinda quickly tries to catch me, but I end up pulling her to the floor.

"O-oww, that hurt..."

I feel my naked body pressing up against Melinda, but before the sensation fully goes through my head, I immediately lift myself back up, take the clothes, and go back into the shower room, blushing all the way.

"I-I'm really sorry about that, Melinda!"

"Ouch ouch. I landed on. My butt. And don't worry. I didn't see anything."

"O-okay."

[size=10]"But I did feel. Everything..."[/h]

"W-What did you say?"

"I'll be waiting for. You outside, okay?"

"A-alright."

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"Yea, Tsubaki, don't worry about it. I'm really sorry I didn't come back last night, but I'm fine. I couldn't call because, well, alot of stuff happened. But don't worry, I'm perfectly safe."

"..."

"N-no! Nothing happened at all! I swear!"

"..."

"Y-yes! I'll make it up to you by giving you lots of kisses!"

"..."

"No!"

"..."

"I mean it! I'm not doing that!"

"..."

"Alright, good. So could you bring my bag to the university? I'll meet up with you there."

"..."

"See you too, Tsubaki."

I finish my call and put my cellphone back in my pocket.

"Was that your. Girlfriend?"

I stiffen at the word "girlfriend".

"Y-yea, that was my girlfriend. *Gulp* Her name's Tsubaki Yumizuka. She goes to our university too."

"Oh, is that. So. I hope I get. To meet her."

"Well, we better go. It's already 8:15."

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Melinda and I arrive on the campus grounds and after searching a bit, we find Tsubaki, Jaguez, and Steiner standing under a tree's shade. Jaguez is the first to spot us.

"Oh, hey Celine, over here!"

Tsubaki turns her head to look and at first she's smiling at me, and then she sees Melinda, and then her face turns to surprise, and then righteous fury.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

Steiner and Jaguez try to hold Tsubaki back, but she's slowly dragging them forward. I see this, and let out an embarrassed laugh, before running over to Tsubaki and kissing her on the lips. Then, I whisper to Tsubaki,

"Don't make a scene, okay, Tsubaki? I'll tell you everything later".

"Who is she?!"

"Hey hey, let me hear too."

"I think we should give them their privacy, Jaguez..."

"Class is starting, let's go, Tsubaki!"

"Ah, okay, Celine!"

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"This is Melinda Webbers, she just transferred in today. You might have met her already, if you have classes with her. She helped me out yesterday, and that's how I got to know her."

"So you didn't run away and elope with her?!"

"No."

"Prove it!"

I give Tsubaki another kiss.

"O-okay, I believe you, Celine..."

"Melinda, this is Tsubaki, that's Jaguez, and that's Steiner."

Tsubaki scratches the back of her head while saying, "Erm, hey Melinda. Thanks for helping Celine out yesterday and all."

Jaguez makes the peace sign with his fingers and then says, "Yo! The name's Jaguez, just come to me if you ever have a problem, alright?"

Steiner offers a handshake before saying, "Well, a friend of Celine's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you, Melinda."

Melinda shakes Steiner's hand and replies, "Thanks, everyone. It's nice to. Meet you all, too."

Steiner says, "There's supposed to be another girl here, but she's absent today."

Alarmed, I immediately ask, "Is that true, Steiner? Anastasia didn't come to school?"

He replies, "No, she didn't show up in any of my classes."

"Actually, that's not the only thing. What happened yesterday, Celine?" Jaguez asks with concern in his voice.

Tsubaki speaks up, "I called Anastasia after you didn't come back last night, but she never picked up! I thought you two eloped!"

Jaguez then switches back to his regular tone of voice, "Also, you and Tsubaki are going out now?!"

"Yes! Tsubaki and I are going out now!" I rush out.

Jaguez closes his eys while rubbing his chin, "Well, well, well. I've known you two since middle school, and this does come as a surprise".

"Please don't get weirded out or anything", I say.

"Well, all I gotta say is, congrats, you two!" Jaguez says while giving a big thumbs-up.

Steiner chimes in, "Yea, same here".

Tsubaki seems to be surprised though, and she says, "Huh? What?"

"We totally knew you had a thing for Celine. It's great to see you two finally got together", Jaguez says with a smile on his face.

Steiner's smiling too, "Haha, yea, Jaguez and I have always been secretly rooting for you, Tsubaki".

Tsubaki's eyes water a little and she cries, "Awww, thanks, you guys!"

Jaguez, Steiner, and Tsubaki have a group hug.

"Take good care of her, Tsubaki."

"I will, Jaguez."

"Never forget we're here for you".

"I won't, Steiner".

The trio share a smile that outshines the radiance of the sun.

"So how'd you meet Melinda?"

A) Tell them everything.
B) Leave out Anastasia's confession
C) Leave out the corpse and Melinda's hobby
D) Don't say anything.

e_e imma go with C >_>

I'd say good job by making it thus far, I enjoyed reading the story from the beginning to the latest one...keep the nice stuff going =)

Just keep on going and I'm sure you'll find more readers out there~

On another note, I think C suits the best~

Today, I plan on posting a new entry every time there's at least 2 responses.

...That sounds dangerous.

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I take Tsubaki's hand and hold it while looking down at the ground. Tsubaki gets worried and stands closer,

"What's wrong, Celine?"

"...This will probably sound bad, but, what happened was, I went to Anne's place to eat, right?"

"Yea."

"...One thing led to the next, and, it turns out...[size=10]Anne likes me too[/h]..."

"...What?"

I squeeze Tsubaki's hand harder.

"When she confessed to me, I, I actually...I ran away. I ran down the hill and back into town. I guess I ran too hard, and I sort of collapsed. Melinda...she found me then. And then she took care of me."

Jaguez whistles.

"Damn, Celine's just too fine."

"Hm, who do I kill first, Anastasia or Jaguez?"

"Woah, woah! Calm down, you."

"Celine's mine, you hear me?! Back, you savages, back!"

"So...the princess isn't here because of a broken heart? No problem, me and my mojo will get her back to normal."

"And by that you mean, rape a lesbian?"

"You make that sound so bad. Let's call it, 'love therapy'".

"You'll counsel the people you rape, causing an endless cycle of money to flow into your pocket. Brilliant."

"I think I should go talk to Anne."

"That sounds like a MUCH better idea."

"And I want to talk to her myself. I'm a terrible person for what I did to her yesterday."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

Tsubaki looks like she wants to object, but decides against it.

(You can talk to three people now.)
A) Talk to Jaguez
B) Talk to Steiner
C) Talk to Tsubaki
D) Talk to Melinda

For the record, I created an account here just to contribute to this >.>

A friend linked me.

I choose D! By the way, great work, I don't think you're a bad writer, if my opinion counts for anything.

Ain't that dedication? I say D, as well.

Dialogue style. Been quite a while since I've run into this. I'm not a huge fan of it myself, too much is required to intuitively pick up. Though, ironically that's what I love about some poetry.

Your grammar is a bit spotty at times, but nothing too major. snippet before this one as an example.

"Haha, yea, me and Jaguez have always been secretly rooting for you, Tsubaki."

The general role of thumb for the use of "me" and "I" is to take away the rest and ask yourself if it sounds correct. "Haha, yea, me have always been secretly rooting for you, Tsubaki."


"...I ran away. I ran down the hill and back into town. I guess I ran too hard, and I sort of collapsed. Melinda...she found me then. And then she took care of me."

It's a bit clunky processing it in my head. I'd cut down the last one and change it to something like "I guess it was too much and I must have collapsed. Melinda... she found me and then took care of me."

Then again, this could be a matter of a person's voice and intentional. Feel free to tell me to shut up.

I'd recommend you talk to a mod about switching this over to dual threads if you're going to keep writing a great deal. One for your actual writing, and another as a comment topic. It makes it easier for newer people to read from the beginning and for people to catch up imo.

I'd go with A, C, D. I'm assuming from (you can talk to three people now.) that you get to make three choices.

Thanks! You get a thumb up from me!



I feel...tingly inside. A good kind of tingly.



Yes! This is mainly why scenes with multiple characters can be hard for me. I always try to make it clear who's saying what, or give dialogue that could belong to anyone. But I believe if pulled off correctly, it flows so smoothly and lets character interaction move the story. I think this style is best with Visual Novels, with the pictures to help.



And I invoke the rule of dialogue! Steiner's a groovy cat! He don't care about grammar in an everyday conversation with his pals! If you were a character in this story, you'd be that guy who then pushes his glasses up with his middle finger while saying, "...That's 'Jaguez and I', Steiner."



Thank you! Thank you very much! This does sound a bit clunky, but yea, Celine was trying to choose her words carefully! I guess it didn't convey that awkward and ashamed feeling of having to explain to your friends that you ran away like a little bitch, and that why Anastasia isn't at school is probably your fault! And also, when she had to explain how Melinda comes in, she had to leave out the corpse and Melinda's hobby, which reminded her of that bloody scene, which further clunked up her word choice at the very last bit! In other words, Celine was in a pretty shaky state of mind! Next time, I'll try to convey that feeling more clearly! Thank you for your time and criticism!



I actually do plan on writing a great deal. This is just the prologue. The prologue's about halfway done. Celine isn't even...hehe. And nah, I like the comments. Every time I open this thread up to write more, I see the entries I wrote, and then I see the people who took the time to write something back. It gives me life force.

Is it that hard to catch up? There's not actually that many entries, are there? And, I would like to assume that my entries are fun and interesting and suspenseful enough to just naturally cause the reader to want to go to the next entry.

Well, time to go write.

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"Hey Melinda, how was your first day of school?"

"It was great. Too bad I. Only have one class. With you."

"Yea, English, right? The teacher's really nice, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is."

"What do you think of my friends?"

"They're the best. I like them. Already."

"They're all nice people, I'm glad I have friends like them."

"I'm happy for. You. But, Celine. Why didn't you. Tell them about the. Murder and my hobby?"

"...I don't want them worrying, especially Tsubaki, about how close I was to one of the murders. So first, I'm going to take you up on your offer and go talk to the police at the scene of the murder."

"I see. I understand."

"And you're coming with me."

"Oh. Um, okay."

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Two more. Avatar's choices technically count as 1 of the responses required for the next entry.

Go for C next.

P.s, tingly feelings are always good.

No matter what kind. C is preferable.

Tsubaki comes over with a worried smile on her face.

"Why is it that suddenly, a whole lot more girls seem to be coming after you?"

"Well, Anastasia's always been there, and Melinda's just an acquaintance."

"That doesn't make me feel any better."

"Well, if it does make you feel any better, I could say you were right about Anastasia being a lesbian."

"Haha...I kind of wish I wasn't right about that right now."

"Tsubaki..."

I take Tsubaki's hands and hold them.

"...Don't worry, I'm here for you."

"Celine..."

Tsubaki pulls me towards her and kisses me. She gently wraps her arms around me and covers me with her warmth.

"...It's almost like I'm in a dream. I can finally kiss and hold you like this."

Tsubaki gives my lips a lick.

"...It's like everything I imagined it to be."

"I'm happy for you, Tsubaki."

"But...you're not happy?"

"...It's not...whatever makes you happy, Tsubaki..."

"...Do you remember that time back in middle school, Celine?"

"...When I called you my best friend?"

"Yea, that was the first time we even spoke to each other. On the first day of middle school, I remember, you were so quiet and depressing. You wouldn't talk to anyone and everyone just left you alone. But, of course, I picked on you, didn't I?"

"...Yea..."

"Haha...seeing your face...stirred something up inside of me. I would trip you in the hallway and hide your textbooks, but when I tried to make fun of you, you'd always just look down and ignore me. I'm so...ashamed of the way I acted, and I'm sorry about all those times I must've really hurt you..."

"...It's okay, Tsubaki. That stuff doesn't matter anymore..."

"...But then, there was that day, during our second year. I saw those upperclassmen picking on you, and I, I instantly felt like I had to protect you. I finally realized, that I loved you."

"..."

"...I don't actually remember much of that. I know I sent them to the hospital and I got suspended, but all I can remember is what happened afterwards..."

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I was breathing raggedly and my fists had blood on them. My chest heaved up and down as I glared with hatred and anger at the three bodies lying on the floor.

'How dare they...! How DARE they hurt Celony like that!'

"Ts-tsubaki...? You're...Tsubaki, right?"

I turned my head and saw Celony right next to me.

"...Celony..."

"You're Tsubaki...right? Thank you for...helping me. You're my...best friend!"

She had a smile on her face. I never knew her face could look so pretty. But these strange beads of water were staining it, so I reached up and tried to wipe them away. I flinched at the sight of blood appearing on her face, and I looked down at my bloody hands.

"Celony...! I...I'm sorry...!"

I quickly turned around and ran away. Later, I was sent to the principal's office, where I was told the three upperclassmen had to be hospitalized and I was being suspended. Then, Tsukasa had to come and pick me up. She lectured me on the way home,

"Why did you do that, Tsubaki? What happened?"

"...They were picking on Celony."

"What? You mean that girl you have a crush on?"

"W-WHAT?! NO! STUPID TSUKASA!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant that other girl you have a crush on."

"Argh! How did you find out?!"

"Well, I've only heard you whisper her name in your sleep for the last year or so."

"S-stupid Tsukasa! Who said you could eavesdrop while I was sleeping?!"

"Well, nevermind that. Am I wrong about you liking her?"

"W-what does it matter to you, anyway?!"

"You're my darling little sister who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and I want you to be able to talk to me about anything."

"Argh, you always say that!"

"And I mean it, too. I just want to help, Tsubaki."

"...Aren't you worried anymore that I hospitalized three people?"

"Yea, don't ever do that again. Now, who's Celony?"

"She's a girl I like, alright?!"

"And does she like you?"

"I...I don't know. I was always picking on her and stuff...but after I beat up those guys, she said I was her best friend. She was smiling, but I think she was crying too."

"Smiling and crying? My, you just have a way with the ladies, don't you?"

"Stop making fun of me, stupid Tsukasa!"

"Why did you pick on her?"

"I don't know! I didn't know! Every time I saw her face, something just, made me want to do something to her!"

"So how do you know you love her?"

"Because I saw those guys picking on her, hurting her, and I realized that I never wanted to hurt her, I just, wanted to see her smile."

Tsukasa sighed.

"I see."

"...Aren't you going to say anything about me liking another girl?"

"Do you want me to say anything?"

"No."

"Then I won't, other than the fact that I love you, my darling little sister."

"Stop making fun of me, stupid Tsukasa!"

"So what are you going to do now?"

"...I saw her smile today. It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I want to make her smile again and again. I'll protect her from now on. I'm going to be her friend. I'll introduce her to Steiner and Jaguez, and we'll all have fun together."

"...Don't forget you're still suspended."

"Argh! Now I want to go to school! Stupid Tsukasa!"

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"...so if you're ever unhappy about this, we can ju-"

"It's fine, Tsubaki! I'm not unhappy. I like being with you."

"...Thank you, Celine."

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Yes, Celine's full name is Celony Dallen.

Hmmmm. I think A next.
Celony is a very different name, I like it.