d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
grimmwolf wrote...
Different strokes for different folks eh?
Sure go right ahead my good sir |3
Beginning in the front of canterlot high school building....
You don't need to use words like 'beginning' when establishing a scene. Feel free to jump right in with something that describes the setting.
"hey, did you hear about student3?" said student1 as he and student2 nears the entrance.
You mentioned you aren't finished. I'm assuming you're going to have actual names when you do.
For what it is, I think the dialogue serves its purpose of informing the reader of what the story's about it but nothing more. Were this a more serious story, I would avoid this kind of exchange between characters. It's clearly there for exposition, and there are usually better ways to bring readers in to what's going on.
The school bell goes off signaling the end of another school day.
Going back to establishing scenes, this sentence does a much better job of it than the one from the first scene. It mentions the school bell going off at the end of the day, and we instantly know where we're at and the approximate time of day, and you relate that information without directly stating it.
Everyone leaves except for rainbow dash as she goes to the girls shower room.
I'm going to use this sentence as an opportunity to point out that you aren't capitalizing characters' names, which is confusing. Once again though, I'm going to assume that won't be an issue in the finished story.
A couple paragraphs later, we find out Rainbow Dash is taking a shower because she was playing sports. Given that much, I question why she's alone in the shower room. Was there no one else in the entire school who wanted to play sports?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the way you described this story, I imagine it as just a fun little thing. Taking that into consideration, all these little details aren't that much of a problem, but I still think it's something to be aware of.
While she was working on herself, celest was in pursuit of her new plaything
Does 'herself' refer to Rainbow Dash or Celest?
I dunno why it's just soo funny when someone points out my mistakes...
But yes, this is the kind of correcting I need to do better so I cannot thank you enough
For putting up with a rookie like me |3
Lemme clear some things up for you:
I was not goin to add names to the first part of it,
Since this I was planning on making this a skin mag thing
I thought some students talking about a rumor spreading around would
Be a good opening for such a thing.
Rainbow Dash is in the shower alone after school because
Perhaps she could be like a coach or something
But I can work on that part later on.
Herself refers to Dash. She is the only one in the shower right now
But it's obvious I was not clear on that part.
I think that's all of it, kinda multitasking right now so if I missed something , please
Bring it up next time we meet |3